Tag Archives: david moyes

by | June 16, 2014 · 7:00 am

Man admits ‘I haven’t got a clue what the World Cup’s about’

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“So one ball starts in the middle but then what happens to the quaffle and the bludgers?”

Despite the almost world wide interest and obsession with the World Cup, a Harold man today admitted he has neither any interest in it, nor the first clue what is actually going on.

In a move almost guaranteed to see him mocked, derided and shunned by 95% of the male population, villager Darryl Alesworth admitted in a pub conversation that he has to ask his wife to explain what is going on on the big grass patch on the tv. Continue reading →

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by | April 23, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Who could do better than Moyes? A chocolate fireguard? We look at the contenders

Cheerio then David

Cheerio then David

With David Moyes’ disastrous but hilarious reign as Manchester United manager having come to an end the search has begun for the man to replace him. There are certain qualities needed to manage one of the world’s biggest football clubs and here we run through some of the candidates who look like they could do a better job of it than Moyes did. Continue reading →

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by | · 1:00 pm

Ooh yes, let Alex Ferguson pick the new manager again, says everyone

Football fans across England have reacted with joy to the news that Sir Alex Ferguson will take a prominent role in deciding Manchester United’s next manager.

Muppet-Ferguson

Several promising candidates being considered…

Following the unalloyed success of the Scot’s previously chosen candidate, there is general delight that football is to be treated to another exhibition of genius recruitment from the master.

An Old Trafford spokesman confirmed this morning that the most enjoyable hiring process since Basil Fawlty employed Manuel was under way.

“Sir Alex has proved his judgement a thousand times over the years, and he have total confidence in him,” he insisted. “Yes, he’s not as young as he used to be, and sometimes forgets what his name is, but you can’t argue with experience.”

“It might be true that he comes into meetings still in his pyjamas some days, thinks he’s Napoleon and smells of wee, but the board retain every confidence in him.” Continue reading →

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by | April 22, 2014 · 8:35 am

David Moyes sacked: Will spend next 12 months being honoured for his work by every other club

Manchester City unveil new statue to commemorate Moyes' achievements at United

Manchester City unveil new statue to commemorate Moyes’ achievements at United

With the confirmation coming out of Old Trafford that David Moyes has been sacked as Manchester United manager, the other 91 clubs in the football league have already announced plans for testimonials to thank him for the work he has done in the last few months.

Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinio are just two of the managers that have spent years trying to knock Manchester United from the top two of the Premier League, However David Moyes has shown what a quality manager he is by doing the job in less than a year.

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by | January 20, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Moyes blames ‘gay marriage’ for Man United slump

Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn't help

Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn’t help

Manchester United ex-manager elect David Moyes says that Man United’s slump is nothing to do with him, but is almost certainly God’s retribution for either the legalisation of gay marriage, giving women the vote, or possibly Wayne Rooney’s haircut.

Moyes pointed to God’s reputation for ‘working in mysterious ways’, and said that God needed to find other ways of show His displeasure given that the traditional ‘lots of rain and floods’ is now just considered normal weather in the UK.
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by | January 6, 2014 · 2:00 pm

New ‘Man United’ dance craze consists almost entirely of backwards steps

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!

Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and Twerking have all had their day and now the latest dance craze is set to be the Manchester United dance, made up almost entirely of backwards steps.

“This is already sweeping the UK, proving especially popular in Liverpool and certain parts of Manchester with a sky blue colour theme. Given Manchester United’s global appeal I would expect it to be seen on dance floors around the world within the next few months.” said David Moyes, the man credited as being the inspiration behind the first viral dance craze of 2014. Continue reading →

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by | December 5, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Sir Alex denies return as Man Utd manager for £15 million and taller statue

The second coming?

The second coming?

With David Moyes’ reign hanging by a thread after another loss, Sir Alex Ferguson clarified that there is no way in the world he would return as Man Utd manager even if paid £15 million a year, his son got a £5 million fee for arranging the deal, and his statue was increased in height by a foot.

“They could offer me all that and more and I still wouldn’t be interested” said Sir Alex. “I’d say no to the job even if they threw in some champion racehorses, a holiday house in Barbados, and chained David Beckham to the wall so I could throw shoes at him.”
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by | September 3, 2013 · 11:00 am

David Moyes still trying to sign Spanish midfielders

I'll give you £30m for Fabregas. No? Ok, £28m.

I’ll give you £30m for Fabregas. No? Ok, £28m.

Over twelve hours after the transfer window closed it has emerged that David Moyes is still sat in his office making futile attempts to sign midfielders from Spain’s La Liga.

Having failed in an early summer bid to sign Thiago Alcantara from Barcelona, the new Manchester United manager turned his attention to failing to land Cesc Fabregas. After successfully seeing a number of bids rejected he then moved on to Ander Herrera from Athletic Bilbao, before turning in a late bid for Sami Khedira, and then going back to concentrating on Herrera not joining. Continue reading →

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Moyes makes first mistake as Man U manager after communication error with agent

The danger of auto-correct on a text message

The most awkward managerial unveiling since Rafa went to Chelsea 

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by | February 1, 2013 · 12:00 am