Sir Alex denies return as Man Utd manager for £15 million and taller statue

With David Moyes’ reign hanging by a thread after another loss, Sir Alex Ferguson clarified that there is no way in the world he would return as Man Utd manager even if paid £15 million a year, his son got a £5 million fee for arranging the deal, and his statue was increased in height by a foot.

“They could offer me all that and more and I still wouldn’t be interested” said Sir Alex. “I’d say no to the job even if they threw in some champion racehorses, a holiday house in Barbados, and chained David Beckham to the wall so I could throw shoes at him.”

“I had a great run in the job taking Man Utd from also-rans to winning the League 11 times. I have fantastic memories and a great legacy and that means more to me than becoming manager again even for some hypothetical £20 million salary. They could make the £25 million salary tax effective, perhaps through my Channel Islands company, and I still wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t budge even if they made my statue 3 feet higher, cleaned all the bird poo off it, and put a pint-sized statue of Arsene Wenger next to mine by way of contrast.”

Sir Alex said he felt for David Moyes and knee-jerk reactions weren’t the answer to United’s problems.

“Look Moyes had a great run at Everton – he didn’t win any trophies obviously but you could see he put in a lot of effort, a lot of hard graft. Just because Man U are currently 9th, and closer to relegation than the title, doesn’t mean you just sack him and replace him with me on some sort of silly £30 million a year salary. Give Moyes time to find his feet – with his work ethic United could get up to 5th and make the Europa League come seasons end.”

When pressed as to whether there was anything Man Utd could do to lure him back, Sir Alex said he wouldn’t return for all the tea in China.

“Well actually China’s a big place and they really like their tea. Add in a squarer jaw on my statue, increase it’s height by 15 feet, and you have a deal – I can replace that loser Moyes tomorrow.”