In his latest attempt to suck every last joy out of the world Iain Duncan Scrooge has declared that any benefit claimants caught celebrating Christmas will have their money stopped immediately.
“What right have they to be merry? What reason have they to be merry? They’re poor enough,” the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said at a press conference earlier today. “It’s hard working people like myself who got off their arses, lied about their education and then had the sheer common sense to marry an heiress that deserve Christmas. I’ve earned it, they haven’t.”
“I shall work my will,” Duncan Scrooge thundered, flecks of spit gathering in the corners of his mouth. “Every claimant who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips, shall be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He shall!”
When it was pointed out to Duncan Scrooge that at this festive season of the year it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the poor and the destitute who suffer greatly at this present time with many thousands in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands in want of common comforts, he appeared to laugh before bringing himself under control. He then gathered his great coat about him and strode out into the snow determinedly muttering something about “decreasing the surplus population”.
As the press conference ended many were heard to remark that they couldn’t see how this bleak tale could ever have a happy ending. However the sunnier souls gathered there did say that they were looking forward immensely to May 2015.