Author Archives: jenib1571

About jenib1571

Housewife, mother, law student, smart arse, amateur satirist, a fighter not a lover...

‘Emotional’ Queen ‘goes on a brenda’

Queen party

Queen slurred the National Anthem, before sicking on a corgi.

The Queen has finally been subdued and arrested after a drunken rampage in Central London which left eyewitnesses both appalled at the carnage and impressed by how supple she is.

Her Majesty had been celebrating becoming the UK’s longest reigning monarch, beating Queen Victoria’s previous ‘scowl ‘n’ wave’ record of 63 yrs and 216 days by one day and counting.

Police were called to Buckingham Palace after tourists alerted them to ‘an elderly lady drenched in gin’. Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, Royals

Thatcher rises from grave to help save Union

Ironically, it's the only Union she didn't try to break.

Ironically, it’s the only union she didn’t try to break.

In a dramatic (and slightly gruesome) turn of events, former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has risen from the dead to wade into the battle to save the Union.

As polls show the pro-independence campaign taking the lead for the first time, Tory chiefs have made the momentous decision to deploy their ultimate weapon: the Thatchernator.

Using the dark arts of necromancy and voodoo, which many of the upper House are experienced practitioners of, Better Together leaders claim they had ‘no choice’ but to reanimate their dead leader.

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Filed under DNA, Election 2014, science, skeleton

Grab a copy of the i-Spy Bites and Stings of Scotland!

bites wideThinking of hitting the Highlands this summer?

Keep the kids entertained on those long, boring holidays with a copy of the i-Spy Bites and Stings of Scotland!

Educational and cheap, it’s the ideal sop to offspring who would rather be at home playing computer games.

Here’s a few to look out for, can you find them on your legs?

biteMosquito:  Long-legged, flying blood-suckers and transmitters of Malaria, mosquitoes are the plague of many a woodland stroll.

Bites can cause a mild irritation, but in some people, they can  lead to rage and obsessively turning the bed-side lights on and off, in a desperate attempt to identify the source of the buzzing.

All mosquitoes are of English origin. Best killed with at least three cans of fly spray, a shoe and a stapler to be sure.

biteMidges: (pronounced: ‘Mid-gees’) Tiny little biting insects who target visitors to the Scottish Highlands and locals alike, these indiscriminate little swines leave bites so big they could have come from a Pterodactyl.

Midges are Scottish, but Entomologists believe they first moved north with King Edward Longshanks.

Best killed by burning all your belongings and heading for home on the train.

biteVampire Bats: Not indigenous to Scotland, but these little mammalian suckers are not as evil as Hollywood has portrayed.  They’re actually quite cute, if you can ignore the razor sharp incisors and the inevitable mob weilding pitchforks and torches.

All vampire bats are of English origin, and are thought to have moved into Scotland around about the time that oil was found in the North Sea.

Best killed by angry villagers or a floppy haired tosser who can’t act.

biteAnts: While ants in Scotland are fairly benign, falling head first into an ant hill is not advised.  Ants can nip a bit, and are capable of working together to march off with your picnic.

Scottish ants are not the traditional black colour, but instead pale blue and orange, to conceal them on Irn Bru cans.

Best killed with boiling water, although you could try packing an aardvark.

biteLuis Suarez:  A bite from a Luis Suarez is so far unconfirmed north of the border, but reports of attacks in several continents have led experts to suggest that it is only a matter of time.  Bites can result in penalties, free kicks and septicemia.

It is believed that a free-roaming Suarez was spotted in England in the early part of the year.

Best treated by immediately selling it abroad.

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Filed under Around Harold, Nature

Man admits ‘I haven’t got a clue what the World Cup’s about’


“So one ball starts in the middle but then what happens to the quaffle and the bludgers?”

Despite the almost world wide interest and obsession with the World Cup, a Harold man today admitted he has neither any interest in it, nor the first clue what is actually going on.

In a move almost guaranteed to see him mocked, derided and shunned by 95% of the male population, villager Darryl Alesworth admitted in a pub conversation that he has to ask his wife to explain what is going on on the big grass patch on the tv. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Sport

The Beast of Harold (an unsolved mystery)

Beast of Harold  (artist's impression)

Beast of Harold (artist’s impression)

Villagers on the outskirts of Harold spoke yesterday of their fear and horror after numerous sightings of a mysterious beast were reported.

Residents spoke of hearing a continuous low growl, the sound of claws scraping over stone, a heavy chain dragging and other sinister and otherworldly noises.

Those who saw what has been called The Beast of Harold, describe it as a large, dog-like dark-furred animal, around the size of a Shetland pony and with amber eyes which blazed an iridescent green in torchlight.

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, environment, Farming, Law and Order, Pagans, Pets

‘Butter up your elderly relatives in time for Christmas’, says Prince Charles


I suppose an OBE’s out of the question, then?

Following the suggestion by Princess Anne that Britons should eat horsemeat to improve the animals’ quality of life, another member of the Royal Family has come forward with his own alternative to traditional beef.

Prince Charles, who has a range of organic and inordinately expensive products from his Duchy of Cornwall range, has stepped into the row with his ‘Queen Bessie’ line.

While many have been put off the idea of eating elderly or infirm relatives by the poor quality of the meat, weeping sores and lack of good recipes, HRH thinks that it is an option which will garner more and more popularity as rising energy, food and residential care costs bite harder.
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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, Food, From the Vicarage, Royals

Shit hits the fan over stick of poo

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Another village tradition was flushed away yesterday, as the Health and Safety Executive pulled the plug on Harold’s annual poo-sticks competition.

There were angry scenes in the lounge of the Squirrel Lickers Arms as villagers learned that the HSE deemed an integral part of their long-held harvest celebrations to be a risk to public health.

In a statement read out by Eddie, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers, the HSE claimed “While it is never our intention to axe age old village activities, it was felt that the particulars of the village of Harold’s unique take on this otherwise innocent past-time may give rise to a potential outbreak of diphtheria or typhoid.  Not to mention the fact it made our inspectors lose their lunches. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Sport

New Pool Users Left ‘Bummed Out’.

Is it a chocolate log?

Is it a chocolate log?

The gala opening of Dunstable’s new multi-million pound swimming and leisure complex hit a bum note yesterday, after a patron took ‘bombing the pool’ literally.

Just moments after the official opening ceremony, and within minutes of the great and good of Dunstable, Harold and Felching taking the plunge into the state-of-the-art pool, local school children, politicians and selected villagers were evacuated after an evacuation of an altogether different kind.

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Crock of Gold was a Crock of Disappointment.

Lula-Belle is currently on vacation in the Maldives.

Lula-Belle is currently on vacation in the Maldives.

After the death of local businessman Brendon McDonald in March of this year, many villagers assumed that his estate would bequeath the bulk of Mr McDonald’s wealth to his son and daughter-in-law, but details of his will published today tell a very different story.

In his will, Mr McDonald repeatedly refers to his daughter-in-law of 36 years as ‘A gold digging tart’, who, he claimed, ‘only married my feckless, gullible son for his future wealth’. Close friends of McDonald confirm that he died unshaken in his belief that his son’s wife was little more than a cheap floozie who had nothing better to do in life that wait for her husband’s inheritance.

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Haroldhenge: A Mecca for Hippies.

Stonehenge wastelandResidents of the village have opened their arms, if not nostrils, to a swathe of visitors who have descended on the village.

With Harold’s own Stonehenge finally completed, hundreds of Druids, Pagans, New Age travelers and followers of alternative lifestyles have flocked to the village in recent days.

Druids of Harold spokesman Gwinfor Trevelliss is delighted that the authentically transported and built replica was completed in time for the celebration of Summer Solstice.

Gwinfor explained that the Solstice was probably the single most important festival in the Pagan calendar, and that its origins are rooted in ancient times. Continue reading

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High Pressure Aromatherapy for Tramps: more chi, less cheese

trampjetsTired of your tramp stinking?  Fed up of the stench of stale urine, Special Brew and BO? Had enough of your local vagabond being surrounded by their own cloud of flies?  Or worse, is your hobo’s aura showing signs of wear and tear? Then Mick Clarkson of Clarkson’s Cars has the answer!!

Following on from the success of his car wash and automated dog grooming businesses, Mick has launched another innovative service: high pressure Aromatherapy for Tramps.

Speaking exclusively to the Evening Harold, Mr Clarkson told us that the inspiration for his new venture came from the annual Trampfest, which sees hundreds of people who are strangers to soap descend upon the village.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Technology

Teenage Temptress to Teach Dogs Yoga


Upward-Facing Dog

Upward-Facing Dog

Some have called the idea ‘barking mad’, others think she’s bitten off more than she can chew, but local teen Melanie Delaney hopes that her latest business idea won’t be dogged with problems.

Harold resident Melanie (19) who was once almost mistaken for Paris Hilton is a self-taught yoga instructor with high hopes of success.  After watching her pet Chihuahua, Mr Pips, contort himself into a series of amazing postures while attempting to lick his own bottom, Melanie was inspired to create yoga classes just for man (and woman’s) best friends.

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Sport

A ‘Divine’ New Look



Hello my darling Haroldites!!

Now, I know you’re all used to Pippa popping up on a Monday to brighten your post-weekend blues, and that a Thursday offering may just discombobulate you all, but I have some wonderful, wonderful news to share with you all.

Some of you may recall that just the other week, I gave an interview to one of my fellow Evening Harold reporters following the release of Dan Brown’s book about the divine Dante and the installation in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! of a fabulous red cup, which we hope, will bring famous men to the village to look at.

Well, as a result of that I decided that a little bit of a remodel and makeover of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! would be rather fitting, and hopefully create some intellectual stimulus for our patrons.

It may have come to your attention while you’ve been blatantly avoiding walking past visiting my lovely little café that some subtle changes have been gradually taking place, and that Dom, Melanie and myself have been working hard into the night after we close to customers.  (Simon did offer to help with the painting, but as talented as darling Simon is, I don’t think his particular artistry is entirely appropriate.)

floor copy


Well, tomorrow all will be unveiled in our little café, but for now I’ll give you just a little sneak peek!

(I do so hope the Rev. Tansy doesn’t disapprove of yet another sodding thing!)

Pippa X 


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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Harold Independence Campaign

protest copyThe local Parish Council has announced ambitious plans to hold a referendum on the possible independence of Harold from Felching County Council, spearheaded by Lionel Garage, leader of the Harold Independence Party.

The idea was first mooted in the early 1950s following the initial move to bring Harold under the control of a central power. At that time, many villagers felt that their traditional rights and the individuality of the village would be lost as it was absorbed into a larger, unified council structure.

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Tesco Value VodkaThere was uproar and excitement in the High Street today, after Harold resident, and incomer, Dominic (Dom) Delaney was arrested trying to steal a 2 litre bottle of Tesco Value vodka from the store.

Security staff apprehended Mr Delaney, 47, formerly a Futures Trader in the City of London, as he tried to make off with the bottle of cheap person’s booze.

He had been spotted attempting to leave the store, by an eagle-eyed member of staff who had just served him. They bravely alerted security guard William McKean who sat on Mr Delaney until PC Flegg arrived.
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Harold Easter egg hunt ends in cabbage carnage chaos

They don't grow on trees

They don’t grow on trees

The traditional Harold Easter Sunday egg hunt has been proclaimed a ‘resounding success’ this year after only three toddlers were hospitalised and just one marriage ended abruptly.

Villagers young and old gathered on the village green early to begin the annual hunt; each eager to take home the largest number of eggs, and despite the actions of the animal rights activists, the mood was excitingly competitive.
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Filed under Around Harold, News