Category Archives: Election 2014

by | September 19, 2014 · 5:26 am

‘See? I told you we’d keep the pound’ brays Salmond

'Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.'

‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’

Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.

“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”

In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.

What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.
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by | September 18, 2014 · 7:00 am

Scotland decides: twenty-four hours until Connery is king?

large_time_bandits_blu-ray4x

The man who would be king (caution: potential monarchs may be up to thirty-three years older than pictured).

Today Scotland goes to the polls to decide whether or not to go it alone or to give its loveless union with England another 300 hundred years for the sake of Wales and Northern Ireland. Continue reading →

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by | September 16, 2014 · 7:00 am

Westminster leaders pledge to sell England to pay for Scottish utopia

westfinger

You can count the argument on one finger.

David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.

While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.

“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”

Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”

Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
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by | September 9, 2014 · 3:00 pm

Dumfries twinned with Calais as border security increased in case of Yes vote

DumContingency plans are well advanced on both sides of the border in readiness to respond to the inevitable rush of economic migrants from Scotland in the event of a “Yes” vote for independence.

With Gordon Brown’s initiative to save the Union doomed by definition of it being a Gordon Brown initiative, the Coalition Government is treating the possible invasion of hordes of insurgent Scots, once reality kicks in and they realise they have nothing to live on other than pride, porridge and potatoes, as a real threat to the Disunited Kingdom.

Realising that his, as yet unveiled, programme of ethnic cleansing may frighten off second generation Scots, Alex Salmond is said to be keen to maintain border security. Continue reading →

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by | September 8, 2014 · 7:00 am

Thatcher rises from grave to help save Union

Ironically, it's the only Union she didn't try to break.

Ironically, it’s the only union she didn’t try to break.

In a dramatic (and slightly gruesome) turn of events, former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has risen from the dead to wade into the battle to save the Union.

As polls show the pro-independence campaign taking the lead for the first time, Tory chiefs have made the momentous decision to deploy their ultimate weapon: the Thatchernator.

Using the dark arts of necromancy and voodoo, which many of the upper House are experienced practitioners of, Better Together leaders claim they had ‘no choice’ but to reanimate their dead leader.

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by | July 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

Alex Salmond plans ‘Tartan Curtain’ to keep out the English

tartan curtain

Plan has been condemned by the Sporran Office.

Alex Salmond has revealed plans to use miles of unwanted ‘Commonwealth Games Tartan’ to build a defensive curtain around Scotland’s nether regions.

“When we gain independence, naturally we’ll want to strictly limit the number of our neighbours we let in”, roared Salmond. “And what better way to do that, than a wall of plaid from coast to coast?”

Salmond quickly dismissed suggestions that invaders might simply crawl underneath. “No Englishman would dare lift a tartan hem, for fear of what lies beneath”, he insisted.
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by | May 24, 2014 · 8:00 am

“How can I hate racists? Some of my best friends are racist” Britain says

20140524-004916-2956121.jpg Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.

With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.

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