‘See? I told you we’d keep the pound’ brays Salmond

‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’

Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.

“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”

In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.

What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.

“People of Scotland, welcome to our brave new world!”, boomed Salmond. “We can now honestly say we’re a proud, semi-independent country. And I’m pleased to have had a role in negotiating England’s surrender.”

Asked if he felt ‘humbled’ by the enormity of his success, Salmond flicked through a dictionary, before punching the journalist in the face.

“To quote William Wallace in the documentary Braveheart”, said Salmond: “They can give us a lifeline, but they can never give us…our FREEDOM!”