Alex Salmond has revealed plans to use miles of unwanted ‘Commonwealth Games Tartan’ to build a defensive curtain around Scotland’s nether regions.
“When we gain independence, naturally we’ll want to strictly limit the number of our neighbours we let in”, roared Salmond. “And what better way to do that, than a wall of plaid from coast to coast?”
Salmond quickly dismissed suggestions that invaders might simply crawl underneath. “No Englishman would dare lift a tartan hem, for fear of what lies beneath”, he insisted.
To build on these fears, Scottish border commandos will tether shaved hedgehogs in pairs, then tie a plump, white sausage across their backs.
“Imagine the fear in the mind of the sassenach as they timidly peer beneath our tremendous garment”, Salmond went on. “Only to be met by a nodding banger and a brace of hairless meat bags.”
Westminster has condemned the plan and vowed to defrock the border.
“No-one in Berwick-upon-Tweed should have to look out on this from their windows”, said David Cameron. “It would just be confusing, they’d be left wondering ‘did we open our drapes or not?'”
Duncan Smith is heading the campaign to pull the offending item down. “It’s unfair to say he’s not tough enough for this, he’s a very intimidating fellow when he gets his dander up”, underlined Cameron. “But the ‘Yes’ Facebook campaign is causing problems: they’ve left some very childish comments on Hard Iain’s wall.”