Category Archives: From the Vicarage

by | December 12, 2013 · 7:00 am

Church to offer ‘Vegas-style weddings’, swapping Elvis for Cliff Richard

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A local Church has decided to start offering Vegas-style weddings in a bid to increase tourism levels in the village of Harold, but instead of Elvis performing the ceremony, there will be a distinctively British feel with the Vicar dressing up as Cliff Richard.

“I was on holiday in Vegas in the summer and was amazed at the amount of chapels offering people the chance to be married by an Elvis impersonator,” Reverend Tansy Forster explained.

“So I thought ‘what us the closest thing we have to Elvis?’ and Sir Cliff seemed like the obvious answer. Continue reading →

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Filed under Culture, From the Vicarage, News, Religion

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by | November 24, 2013 · 8:00 am

Guest sermon: Methadonist Minister Paul Flowers preaches forgiveness

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Is it better to forgive, or to forget?

Hello! It’s lovely of you to let me write a sermon for your long-standing and respected institution, let’s hope I don’t end up ruining it completely! I don’t have a lot of experience of not completely destroying everything I touch, but practice makes one even more perfect.

What I want to talk to you about today is something very dear to my heart: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of my faith, and not forgiving someone is nearly the same as doing the thing you haven’t forgiven me for yourself.

For instance, say a fine, upstanding member of the banking community were to accidentally take lots of drugs. Should you forgive them? My faith instinctively tells me ‘yes.’ Because not saying ‘that’s fine Paul, no real harm done, let’s forget it and move on’ means that you have effectively bought Crystal Meth off a rent boy yourself.
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Filed under Economy, From the Vicarage, Vicars

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by | November 16, 2013 · 1:35 pm

‘Butter up your elderly relatives in time for Christmas’, says Prince Charles

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I suppose an OBE’s out of the question, then?

Following the suggestion by Princess Anne that Britons should eat horsemeat to improve the animals’ quality of life, another member of the Royal Family has come forward with his own alternative to traditional beef.

Prince Charles, who has a range of organic and inordinately expensive products from his Duchy of Cornwall range, has stepped into the row with his ‘Queen Bessie’ line.

While many have been put off the idea of eating elderly or infirm relatives by the poor quality of the meat, weeping sores and lack of good recipes, HRH thinks that it is an option which will garner more and more popularity as rising energy, food and residential care costs bite harder.
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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, Food, From the Vicarage, Royals

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by | May 11, 2013 · 7:45 am

Professor Hawking boycotts church bungee jump

Church jump 'incompatible with string theory'

Church jump ‘incompatible with string theory’ (artist’s impression)

Organisers of a church bungee jump have reacted angrily to a snub by professor Hawking, after he claimed it would be ‘inappropriate’ for an atheist to take part.

Harold vicar Tansy Forster is trying to raise funds for a new gargoyle, after the last one was stolen by Goths.

But Forster was disappointed that the professor refused to support the event, because he doesn’t believe in the existence of a God.
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by | March 31, 2013 · 4:53 pm

Archbishop warns against ‘hero worship’: villagers dismantle statue of Jesus

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Recent results have been disappointing

The Archbishop of Canterbury has warned Christians against ‘expecting too much’ from one person, by putting their heroes on pedestals or large wooden crosses.

Villagers led by Phil Evans were suspiciously fast to react. Within minutes the Church of St. Haroldine The Peachy was surrounded by a mob, demanding the statue of Jesus be replaced by an etching of a committee.
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Filed under From the Vicarage, International News, Vicars