Tag Archives: Charity

by | April 16, 2016 · 3:55 pm

We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

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by | October 17, 2015 · 8:00 am

Food bank donor demands right to veto recipients

The olives of wrath.

Donors to a Harold food bank can now meet the recipients, and snatch things back if they don’t look grateful enough.

Fearing her tubs of anchovy-stuffed olives might end up in the hands of ‘awful families with no manners’, Pippa Delaney won the right to pour scorn on poor people after taking the matter to the European Court of Human Rights.

“I’m not expecting a family that has fallen on hard times to grovel”, said Delaney, “but is it asking too much for a single tear of gratitude?” Mrs Delaney is asking the charity to draw up guidelines for beneficiaries, so they can show their appreciation more effectively. Continue reading →

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by | March 19, 2015 · 7:00 am

Prince Harry to offer hand-relief to the homeless

harry shuffle

Prince Harry demonstrates ‘the royal wave’.

Prince Harry has revealed he will be offering hand relief to the homeless, as he quests to fill a hole left by his exit from the army.

‘Happy Ending’ is a charity that’s particularly close to his heart, and was started by his mother when she first met Will Carling.

“For some vagrants, the thought of a warm hand on their ‘little tramp’ is too much to hope for”, explained Harry. “Particularly in the winter, or with fingerless gloves.”

Harry admitted that he isn’t the most academic member of the royal family, but insisted he was still capable of joylessly bringing relief to ‘literally five or six’ hobos a day.

“I’m in a privileged position, I have plenty of masturbatiers ‘on hand’ day or night”, revealed Harry. “But rough sleepers don’t even have a simple butler to fall back on.”
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by | October 13, 2014 · 7:00 am

‘Please stop sending us green tokens’, charities tell Waitrose

waitrose-community-matters-token-boxCharities helped by shoppers from the supermarket Waitrose have written to the company to ask them to stop sending donations as they “now have more than enough green plastic tokens to be getting on with.”

The scheme run by the supermarket sees shoppers swap the guilt of paying £15 for a bunch of six organic, corn-fed bananas, ripened in the armpits of a small foreign child, for the chance to donate green tokens to the charity of their choice as part of their ‘community matters’ initiative. Continue reading →

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by | August 26, 2014 · 7:00 am

Any more Ice Bucket Challenges may lead to first winter hosepipe ban.

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As the Ice Bucket Challenge spreads around the internet quicker than racism spreads through Jeremy Clarkson’s blood stream, Thames Water are warning customers that if people continue to throw any more of the perfectly good, fresh, yet finite resource over their heads, the UK may see its first ever winter time hosepipe ban.

“We appreciate it is for a good cause,” a spokesperson for the utility company explained, “and not many people know more about raising millions of pounds just to waste water than us.

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by | April 10, 2014 · 11:01 am

“Thanks for calling Samaritans. Press 1 for ‘I’m a bit sad …'”

tescotrust

We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but  we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’

A recent Government announcement means a big shake up  for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”

Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading →

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by | March 22, 2014 · 4:52 pm

‘Brave’ men to go into work unshaven and dishevelled for bollock cancer charity

John Virgo - Everyday Hero

John Virgo – Everyday Hero

With over £2m raised by the recent “no make-up selfie” viral campaign, men are now being inspired to go even further to do their bit.

In the past few days, hundreds of thousands of ‘courageous and empowered’ women have posted pictures of themselves without make-up on social media, raising awareness for a charity, earning praise for their fearlessness, and inspiring the men working at Harold’s Knife and Scissors factory to do something – and now their idea has gone viral under the hashtag ‪#‎WeCanBeHeroes‬ .

‘We don’t wear make-up, but we knew that if we had the guts to do it, we could look a proper mess showing our inner beauty if we didn’t shave or brush our teeth for a few days,’ said Ben Chobham who helped come up with the idea. ‘Then things just snowballed from there!’

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by | December 10, 2013 · 12:12 pm

Exclusive! Bono doesn’t appear on camera at world event: that letter in full:

bono

This is me good side. Youse can photoshop in me sad expression later.

Dear Mr Zuma,

Thank you for me invite to the Nelson Mandela memorial service. It is a great honour that you thought of me, although it’s no surprise that you did.

However, on this occasion I feel duty-bound to turn down yer kind and humble request. I can’t really take 100% of the credit for dismantling apartheid, although it would be fair to say I’m almost there with the ol’ poverty and what-not.
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by | October 31, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Winter Campaign: Recycle Your Fat And Save a Skinny

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Have you ever wondered how to dispose of excess cooking fat without clogging the sewers or your arteries?

Do you wish you George Foreman grill could be a ‘lean, green, death reducing, smugness machine’?

Well, Harold council have the solution to all your problems this winter with their new

‘Recycle Your Fat And Save a Skinny’ campaign

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by | September 5, 2013 · 8:05 am

Ed Miliband to lose charitable status

Ed

More wasteful than a panda charity.

Ailing opposition leader Ed Miliband has lost his charitable status, according to union leaders.

The GMB’s General Secretary, Paul Kenny, explained that ‘like an elderly aunt who’s riddled with cancer, the time has come to stop throwing money at a lost cause’, before adding ‘we must accept that he isn’t going to get any better’.

Since he was first discovered in 2010, Ed Miliband has absorbed millions of pounds of funding. But experts admit that they’ve found out virtually nothing about him, what he thinks or why his face doesn’t work properly.

Supporters of Miliband insist he’s not going to give in without a fight, and have released a ‘before’ and ‘after’ picture to prove he’s on the mend. But some claim the move was a catastrophic ‘own goal’, because the ‘after’ image turned out to be his brother, David.
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by | July 2, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Urgent Appeal: just £5 a month could buy a Guardian journalist a haircut

guardians

Sometimes we pretend not to notice. Other times, we compliment their clothes. But you can’t hide forever from the ugly truth right  in front of you: Guardian journalists are suffering NOW from Shit Hair.

For just £5 a month, a volunteer hairdresser will pick the biggest bits of cake from the thatch of Julie Burchill. £10 could teach Hadley Freeman how to use a comb. For a generous one-off payment of just £30, you could help Alexis Petridis to trim his own hair with an adult pair of scissors, or at least chew it with a less blunt rodent.

Guardian journalists need YOUR HELP, NOW, before they’re mistaken for tramps by their own interns. Perhaps they do it to make a point of not conforming to stereotypes of attractiveness, perhaps it was really windy on The Tube this morning. Perhaps they all just have really short arms.

Whatever the reason, we need to reach our target of £25,000. That could buy enough conditioner to treat Suzanne Moore.

Don’t just stare at your shoes, look them in the eye and tell them a professional can Probably Sort That Out.

Friends of The Scurf. Together, we can beat canker.

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by | June 4, 2013 · 11:00 am

Family slammed for not organising charity event following grandfather’s death

MarathonWhen Doris Kettle’s brother, Ken, died at the age of 78 in January, his sister naturally expected his family to pay tribute to him in the usual manner by taking part in some futile project in his memory. But so far, says a disappointed Doris, nothing has happened.

“I think it’s appalling,’ said the Grandmother of six. “We had the funeral, the wake and then, of course, the memorial service and since then, nothing. The London Marathon came and went and none of the lazy buggers even bothered to take part in that. Not one of them has even had their head shaved. I can’t help thinking that Ken died in vain.” Continue reading →

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by | May 11, 2013 · 7:45 am

Professor Hawking boycotts church bungee jump

Church jump 'incompatible with string theory'

Church jump ‘incompatible with string theory’ (artist’s impression)

Organisers of a church bungee jump have reacted angrily to a snub by professor Hawking, after he claimed it would be ‘inappropriate’ for an atheist to take part.

Harold vicar Tansy Forster is trying to raise funds for a new gargoyle, after the last one was stolen by Goths.

But Forster was disappointed that the professor refused to support the event, because he doesn’t believe in the existence of a God.
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