Tag Archives: food banks

by | October 17, 2015 · 8:00 am

Food bank donor demands right to veto recipients

The olives of wrath.

Donors to a Harold food bank can now meet the recipients, and snatch things back if they don’t look grateful enough.

Fearing her tubs of anchovy-stuffed olives might end up in the hands of ‘awful families with no manners’, Pippa Delaney won the right to pour scorn on poor people after taking the matter to the European Court of Human Rights.

“I’m not expecting a family that has fallen on hard times to grovel”, said Delaney, “but is it asking too much for a single tear of gratitude?” Mrs Delaney is asking the charity to draw up guidelines for beneficiaries, so they can show their appreciation more effectively. Continue reading →

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by | December 9, 2014 · 7:00 am

Tory Peer ‘fitting poor with more stomachs would enable them to eat grass’

chavinfield

“Don’t chew it too quickly. It can make the meat tough.”

A senior Tory peer has suggested that the poor would be less hungry if they learned to graze, while also claiming their sedentary lifestyle makes them ‘as tender as veal’.

The Baroness Lettuce De Mondieu believes that fitting ‘a few rudimentary additional stomachs’ would enable the underclasses to chew the cud on roundabouts and recreational grounds, whilst preserving their sought-after organic status.

“No-one should have to see starving faces in 21st century Britain”, said Lady De Mondieu “But fillet steak can be awfully expensive. Better to perform a simple operation on a few unfortunate beasts and give them a chance to fatten up naturally and cheaply. If we start now, I could have one for Christmas dinner.”

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by | March 10, 2014 · 7:00 am

Chancellor vows to end food bank bonus culture

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Volunteers take up to ten minutes out of every shift to have a cup of tea. Is there no limit to their self-indulgence?

George Osborne has vowed to end food bank bonus culture calling the practice “grossly unfair” and “out of step with these times of austerity.”

The Chancellor’s declaration comes after the publishing of a report he commissioned into volunteer behaviour at food banks which saw spies infiltrate food banks up and down the country. Continue reading →

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by | June 29, 2013 · 10:00 am

Relief as Nadine Dorries confirms that she will not starve

Tory food: the £95 (that's not a typo) burger

Tory food: the £95 (that’s not a typo) burger

There was relief in Harold yesterday when Tory MP Nadine Dorries told Daybreak that she will not starve. Though not the MP for Harold kind-hearted residents had been touched by her plight when she announced that she would no longer be drawing expenses in order to campaign for reform of the system.

“We were massively concerned for the welfare of this highly principled lady,” said Reza Yavari. “It made me very upset to think of her struggling to cope on just a £66,396 MPs salary and whatever she makes as the director of Averbrook media consultancy. Then happily for us all she said live on TV ‘I have a very good partner who will not let me starve, he will feed me‘ and there was just this great outbreak of relief.” Continue reading →

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