Chancellor vows to end food bank bonus culture

Volunteers take up to ten minutes out of every shift to have a cup of tea. Is there no limit to their self-indulgence?

George Osborne has vowed to end food bank bonus culture calling the practice “grossly unfair” and “out of step with these times of austerity.”

The Chancellor’s declaration comes after the publishing of a report he commissioned into volunteer behaviour at food banks which saw spies infiltrate food banks up and down the country.

“As soon as I was told that people were volunteering at food banks not to make money but to make life less difficult for others I became very suspicious,” Osborne said. “Such behaviour just doesn’t make any sense.”

What Osborne’s spies discovered shocked him to the core. “People work hard and enjoy being together. There is none of the panic, aggression and reckless gambling that has made the City so vital to this country.”

“These bonuses of quiet satisfaction and feeling that you’ve spent your time well are out-dated and inappropriate. I will be introducing emergency legislation to bring food banks under the control of the Department of Work and Pensions and require them to be run by paid professionals with at least a 2:1 in Excellence in Tinned Goods Redistribution Management.”

When told that it would perhaps be better to work towards eradicating food poverty Osborne looked confused.

“But there is no poverty,” he said. “George do sums good. If you’re hungry ask your father to get you a job and then ask your staff to bring you food. Simples. Why more people don’t do this is a constant mystery.”