Tory Peer ‘fitting poor with more stomachs would enable them to eat grass’

“Don’t chew it too quickly. It can make the meat tough.”

A senior Tory peer has suggested that the poor would be less hungry if they learned to graze, while also claiming their sedentary lifestyle makes them ‘as tender as veal’.

The Baroness Lettuce De Mondieu believes that fitting ‘a few rudimentary additional stomachs’ would enable the underclasses to chew the cud on roundabouts and recreational grounds, whilst preserving their sought-after organic status.

“No-one should have to see starving faces in 21st century Britain”, said Lady De Mondieu “But fillet steak can be awfully expensive. Better to perform a simple operation on a few unfortunate beasts and give them a chance to fatten up naturally and cheaply. If we start now, I could have one for Christmas dinner.”

De Mondieu wants to see an end to food banks. “They’re a ‘gateway’ bank, which could see some experimenting with money”, she explained.

“But we don’t want them to get into that, it’s much healthier if they live outdoors nibbling on brownfield sites. We’ll let them eat the occasional cake though, it gives such marvellous marbling to their meat.”

Following criticism of her views, Lady De Mondieu later issued a statement “With this sensible policy for a better Britain, we could once again see poor people in Aldi. In the freezer next to the three bird roast”.