Relief as Nadine Dorries confirms that she will not starve

Tory food: the £95 (that's not a typo) burger

Tory food: the £95 (that’s not a typo) burger

There was relief in Harold yesterday when Tory MP Nadine Dorries told Daybreak that she will not starve. Though not the MP for Harold kind-hearted residents had been touched by her plight when she announced that she would no longer be drawing expenses in order to campaign for reform of the system.

“We were massively concerned for the welfare of this highly principled lady,” said Reza Yavari. “It made me very upset to think of her struggling to cope on just a £66,396 MPs salary and whatever she makes as the director of Averbrook media consultancy. Then happily for us all she said live on TV ‘I have a very good partner who will not let me starve, he will feed me‘ and there was just this great outbreak of relief.”

“We are still a bit worried though,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s Primary School. “In that same interview Nadine said ‘Well, actually, I’m going to be working for nothing because my £3,000 [monthly] salary will go to pay for my second home in Westminster, which I need to do my job‘ and she does, she really does. It’s vitally important that though she has a home within easy commuting distance of London that she also has a house in one of the single most expensive residential areas in the country. So in school we’ve made her this term’s charity and the kids are going to have a bring-and-buy and put on a concert to raise funds for her.”

The generosity towards this courageous self-sacrificing politician spans all ages in Harold and has resulted in the the senior citizens club setting up a foodbank to provide for Ms Dorries  in case her partner forgets to feed her.

“Don’t want her dying off like a neglected goldfish,” said Ruby Butler. “So we’re putting together some supplies for her. None of us really know what Tory MPs actually eat but we think they like gourmet burgers.”

Even the least well off in Harold have rallied to Nadine Dorries’ cause.

“I don’t have any money to spare,” said Adam Cassidy, who currently lives on £56.80 Job Seeker’s Allowance. “But I had to do something to help brave Nadine so I started the email campaign. People in Harold are contacting as many members of her Mid Bedfordshire constituency as possible and urging them to vote for her at the next election. Letting this woman continue to play a role in the politics of this country would be an incredibly charitable act.”

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