Professor Hawking boycotts church bungee jump

Church jump 'incompatible with string theory'

Church jump ‘incompatible with string theory’ (artist’s impression)

Organisers of a church bungee jump have reacted angrily to a snub by professor Hawking, after he claimed it would be ‘inappropriate’ for an atheist to take part.

Harold vicar Tansy Forster is trying to raise funds for a new gargoyle, after the last one was stolen by Goths.

But Forster was disappointed that the professor refused to support the event, because he doesn’t believe in the existence of a God.

“Extreme fund-raising can be fun, and the church plays a crucial role in the village”, insisted Forster. “We almost single-handedly support Harold’s struggling gargoyle reclamation business. But when I wrote to ask him if he’d consider trundling off our steeple for cash, the response I received was a little on the cool side.”

Hawking is famously interested in science and has previously described the concept of heaven as ‘a fairy story for people afraid of the dark’. But while Forster admitted the logistics of paraplegic plummeting were ‘a bit of an insurance nightmare’, she said she would happily be fired around the CERN tunnel, if they ever needed a new boiler or something doing about all the rats.

“To be honest, I hadn’t considered his wheelchair when I invited Hawking”, insisted Forster. “After all, we’re all equal in the eyes of Our Lord.”

“But in hindsight, perhaps his voice synthesiser wouldn’t have been welcomed by the more conservative members of our community. It wasn’t that long ago that a ‘Speak and Spell’ was burned on the village green, after someone made it say ‘I’m a witch’.”

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