What the average fifty-something couple looks like to a twenty year old.
Those born in the mid-nineties or after, Generation Z, are more bouncy and loud than ever following the release of a government report which states that just 20% of middle-aged people are healthy and the rest lie more awkwardly than whatever that is on top of Donald Trump’s head when talking to their GP about their lifestyle. Continue reading
Kim reveals the secret to his remarkable figure.
Already resplendent in the haircut of the Dear Leader, the entire population is expected to treble in weight ‘as swiftly as possible’.
“Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un has blessed us with his wobbling image of beauty”, announced the Politburo. “He has worked tirelessly through our buttered lobster reserves to become ‘larger than life’ for all our benefit.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Kim Jong-un orders North Koreans to weigh 25 stone
Filed under Culture, International News
You, today. Regardless of gender. Black suits you, wear it more often.
Millions of adults across the UK woke up this morning to discover that they had spent their first night with a new roll of fat. The resulting sigh of regret was heard as far away as Berlin with many then raising a hand to their mouths in a gesture of defeat only to find a new chin ghosting under where their jawlines used to be.
“I don’t look at my new fat as the result of monumental self-indulgence,” said villager Simon Parsons. “It’s my insurance for the future. Have you seen the news lately? I didn’t overeat, I stored vital calories in my nutrition hump. When it all really kicks off they’ll come in handy.”
“I don’t know about no Isis apocalypse or zombie apocalypse or zombie-Isis apocalypse,” Jane Hough told us as she headed down the High Street to buy more food. “I think it’s best to lose the fat and it’s easy. You tell your friends that from now on you’re going to only eat steamed vegetables and do cardio for an hour every day. Think of all the calories everyone’ll burn as you all have a bloody good laugh at the very idea.”
Comments Off on Christmas Day regrets: millions spend first night with new roll of fat
Filed under Health
Fans say the flavour is the perfect accompaniment to drool.
Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.
Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.
“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Walkers crisp competition won by ‘Pringles flavour’
Filed under Advertisments, Around Harold, Food, Health
More and more of us are basing our dimensions on seals then not even bothering to go swimming.
A village initiative to address the obesity crisis was yesterday marred by violence.
“People are too damn fat,” said Harold mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “And the more fat people there are the more it looks normal. Being so fat you could be melted down and used to remake all four of the Beatles is not normal.” Continue reading
Filed under Health
Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.
Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.
With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.
But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.
“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Statin ‘safe’ judgement welcomed by pie-eating smokers
Filed under Around Harold, Food, Lifestyle, Medicine, science
Have you ever wondered how to dispose of excess cooking fat without clogging the sewers or your arteries?
Do you wish you George Foreman grill could be a ‘lean, green, death reducing, smugness machine’?
Well, Harold council have the solution to all your problems this winter with their new
‘Recycle Your Fat And Save a Skinny’ campaign
Comments Off on Winter Campaign: Recycle Your Fat And Save a Skinny
Filed under Around Harold, Food
You must be logged in to post a comment.