Tag Archives: smoking

by | July 22, 2015 · 10:00 am

Michael Gove to make prisoners smoke outside

Michael-Gove-looking-odd

Gove frowns on abuse of the key trust system.

Justice secretary Michael Gove has announced that once a prison smoking ban is introduced, inmates will be allowed to light up outside.

Prisons are currently exempt from restrictions on smoking indoors, but this could be reversed to safeguard the health of prison officers.

“Just like nurses and office workers, prison customers will have to go just outside the main entrance if they want to smoke”, said Gove. “The ones I’ve spoken to seemed surprisingly open to the idea.”
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by | May 15, 2014 · 1:30 pm

Statin ‘safe’ judgement welcomed by pie-eating smokers

tablets

Sugar-coated statins ‘delicious deep fried’.

Fat people and smokers alike have welcomed a report into the safety of statins, and are planning to celebrate by eating a big cake and then popping outside for a fag.

With questions raised over side-effects from Britain’s favourite wonder drug, some bloaters had feared they may be forced into changing their lifestyle.

But now the British Medical Journal has given the pills the all-clear, sweating, gasping middle-aged people are looking forward to ordering some big pants and gradually cutting down on their exercise.

“When I read that statins might be bad for me, I dropped my tray of donuts in shock”, said Harold resident Malcolm Evans. “Then I felt a bit clammy, and my left arm started to hurt. It’s reckless, spreading scare stories like that. I nearly took responsibility for my own mortality.”
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by | April 2, 2014 · 1:00 pm

Welsh Assembly accidentally bans electronics from all public spaces

amstrad

Electronics ban could set Wales back ‘weeks’

There was embarrassment in the Welsh Assembly last night, after MPs accidentally voted to ban electronics from all public spaces.

The motion had been intended to tackle e-cigs, or ‘electronic cigarettes’ that act as a tobacco replacement. But with no word for ‘e-cig’ in the Welsh language, what they actually voted for was a ban on 21st Century technology.

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by | September 6, 2013 · 7:00 am

‘Paedo Packaging’ to tackle teen smokers

cigarette

Could this make smoking less cool?

With research showing that graphic images on cigarette packs don’t deter teens from smoking, a new local initiative hopes to really put the willies up them.

Where pictures of blackened lungs, rotten teeth and tramps with flamboyant throat cancers have failed to take young smokers’ breath away, Harold’s ‘Paedo Packaging’ is already making many youths think twice about what they put in their mouths.

“The government has tried all sorts of initiatives to put kids off their fags”, admitted Cllr Ron Ronsson, who backs the shocking new campaign. “But until now, they haven’t harnessed the influence of celebrities.”
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