Beautiful day you have to spend indoors made flesh, Philip Hammond, faces embarrassment over a leaked dossier which reveals that his only plan for keeping the United Kingdom afloat post-Brexit is to start selling bits off. Continue reading
Tag Archives: wales
Put Wales on eBay: new plan to avoid post-Brexit financial meltdown leaked
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Filed under Brexit
Glastonbury moving every year ‘to hide from Coldplay’
The Glastonbury festival will henceforth be changing location every year in an attempt to prevent Coldplay from finding it, it has been announced.
The music festival has been running successfully since 1970 but has been plagued in recent times by a reoccurring outbreak of Coldplay, causing stress and discomfort for many attendees.
Coldplay first performed at Glastonbury in 1927, and have headlined the main stage every year since then, apart from a gap for the last war, when they played the acoustic tent.
“I’m a tolerant man,” insisted founder Michael Eavis, “But I’ve finally had enough.”
“We’ve made it too easy for them to find us, staying in the same place over the years. In 1972 we tried to confuse them by hiding the stage behind a plant pot, but by the Sunday they’d found it.”
“Next year we’re putting the entire festival under a hedge in Wales, and I’ll be buggered if I’m telling them where.”
Wales to close after Trump tweet knocks billions off value
The latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
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Filed under News
Banksy to relaunch a Dismaland the size of Wales, in Wales
Inspired by the closing of the Port Talbot steel plant and the 81 consecutive days of rain in Pembrokeshire, Bristol spray can dauber Banksy has announced the relaunch of Dismaland, this time on a national scale.
“You have had to pay the entry fee at the Severn Bridge for the prototype that has been running for a few decades now anyway, so people are ready for the step up” said the celebrated vandal.
E-cigarettes ‘could make you look like a bell-end’ warn scientists
President Obama pleads to be released from Wales
Currently held captive by the Nato summit Barack Obama has spoken of his despair on being trapped in South Wales.
“I was told that people here shared our language and ideals,” he said. “But why is everything ‘tidy’ and what’s the meaning of that giant red wave on the waterfront?” Continue reading
Filed under International News
“How to protect us from ISIS? Give us your bloody security” public tell NATO leaders
Citizens of countries represented at the NATO meeting in Wales have come up with a radical idea to protect themselves from the dangers of ISIS. They have requested a militarised ring of steel similar to the one protecting their leaders from a few protesters while they discuss the best way to protect their countries.
Filed under International News, News
Welsh Assembly accidentally bans electronics from all public spaces
There was embarrassment in the Welsh Assembly last night, after MPs accidentally voted to ban electronics from all public spaces.
The motion had been intended to tackle e-cigs, or ‘electronic cigarettes’ that act as a tobacco replacement. But with no word for ‘e-cig’ in the Welsh language, what they actually voted for was a ban on 21st Century technology.
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Filed under Politics, Technology
Welsh roadsign translator ‘just changed the font’
A translation firm specialising in Welsh roadsigns is under fire from auditors, following claims that they were just changing the font.
Bilingual signs ranging from ‘Give Over’, ‘Think bikier’ and ‘You’re Welcome to Wrexham’ had been commissioned through ‘Inphlegmation Services’, and hung all over the hilly area to the left of the country.
Happy St David’s Day: England + Wales 4 eva n a day
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Filed under Politics
Replica Stonehenge to be built using ‘authentic Welsh slaves’.
A local religious group, the Druids of Harold, have embarked on a project to bring some mystical culture to the village with a life-sized replica of Stonehenge. The replica will be made with the same rock as the original, which will be dug up in Pembrokeshire and will be transported by the same means using forced Welsh slavery.
The rocks, which will weigh around 25 tons each, will be taken over water along the south coast of Wales and then up the river Avon. They will then rolled on top of tree trunks on the road, going on the M4 southbound, clockwise around the M25, then north on the M1, before coming off at Dunstable and onward to Harold.
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