“It will only seem like an eternity”
Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.
An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.
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Filed under Entertainment, music, News, Showbusiness, TV
It’s been hyped as the biggest TV event of the year however the name of the winner of the X Factor is already known ahead of the final and it isn’t that person’s first victory.
Simon Cowell wins it every year, sheeple. He always wins.
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Filed under Showbusiness
O’Leary: blandness can be hard to notice.
X-Factor presenter Dermot O’Leary has admitted he is entirely made from Lego.
Persistent rumours on social media have hinted that O’Leary doesn’t have working elbows, and is only capable of one expression.
But while the TV star revealed he was injection-moulded in a factory in Denmark, he insisted he is still ‘perfectly suited’ to hosting ITV’s top show.
“Everybody loves me because I’m so bland and unthreatening”, suggest O’Leary. “And I’m non-toxic, as well as reasonably poseable.”
“You can bend my little legs up and pop me on almost any vehicle you can think of, the only limit is your imagination”, he said. “But if you haven’t got an imagination, you can still put me on X-Factor. I’m perfect for it, because I make the acts and the judges seem more real.”
O’Leary told the press he has been secretly made from Lego for a number of years. At his lowest point, he found himself swapping his head with a Duplo horse, and pretending he was Clare Balding.
“It’s nice to have the truth out there at last”, smiled O’Leary, while holding a big microphone just yards from his face.
“People often suspect celebrities to get up to all sorts when they’re off-camera. But not me! They just take my hair off, and put me in a box.”
However, O’Leary also claimed he wasn’t entirely bland an unthreatening, and he’d been given a warning in the past. “I’ve still got it here, I keep it to remind me. It says ‘Choking hazard, not suitable for 0-3 years’.”
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Filed under Culture, Entertainment
Pre-animation: Simon, Cheryl, Mel and Louis
This weekend’s X-Factor hangs in the balance due to a lack of animators to bring life to Simon Cowell’s and Cheryl’s botox numbed faces. Normally carried out by Wallace and Gromit creators Aardman Animation this highly skilled work is a vital component of the show.
However Aardman are striking for better pay on the grounds that they are not paid enough to have to endure the constant stress of trying to make Simon and Cheryl not look entirely dead behind the eyes. A task which the hard-pressed animators say is beyond even their Oscar-winning talents. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Pop mogul Simon Cowell has rejected calls to change the voting system for the X-Factor. Under the changes, that will see voting devolved based on intellectual groups, only morons will be able to vote on issues that affect morons meaning only viewers with an IQ under 76 will be eligible to vote contestants off his show.
“This will lead to the end of the X-Factor,” Mr Cowell said worriedly, the first time those words have not been uttered in a celebratory way.
“If we are relying on those whose IQs match the contestants, then we are setting ourselves up for a lot of phones broken as they try to dial the numbers with their fists and foreheads, and not many lucrative votes.
“We had trialled a postal voting system but that failed when those morons taking part either posted their phones or stuck their eyelids together with stamps.”
David Cameron held a meeting of top Tories to discuss bringing in the intellectually devolved X-Factor voting system in at the same time as granting Scotland greater powers, a move some believe could be dangerous.
One commentator explained: “the biggest fear is that the average Tory voter fits into the IQ limit proposed. If they can vote Cameron into Number 10 just imagine what shit they could get to Christmas Number 1.”
However, unlike the English vote for English issues idea Ed Miliband has told the Labour conference he welcomed the proposals.
“I always said that even at the top of the political system I would never forget my roots,” he told delegate.
“If it wasn’t for morons voting for a moron, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
Filed under Culture, Independence referendum, News, Politics
Judge Masipa, the Judge delivering her verdict in the Oscar Pistorius murder trail has stated she may take two days to sum up the case and deliver the verdict, beating the current result delivery record held by The X-Factor’s Dermot O’Leary.
O’Leary has become well-known for dragging a result out for as long as possible for effect, often carrying it over two highly lucrative advertising breaks.
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Filed under Crime, International News, News
If you want to succeed in showbiz, kid, you’ll need a whole new image. That Daily Mail sidebar of shame doesn’t fill itself.
Simon Cowell has defended lowering the X-Factor’s age limit to toddlers, denying it’s just an exploitative ratings grab.
“This decision has been made in order to create the best show,” Cowell said, with the air of a man flogging a dead horse at the bottom of a barrel. “Obviously we wouldn’t just let any three year old through. They have to be mentally up for it and talented enough, and also fully toilet trained.” Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
No good ever comes from titles that end in exclamation marks. Apart from Westward Ho! We love it there.
The former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has told the Evening Harold that Britain is in a “post-Cowell era”. He cited the closure of the X-Factor musical I Can’t Sing after just six weeks in the West End as proof that people no longer believe in Simon Cowell in the great numbers they once did. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
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August 18, 2013 · 2:30 pm
Amanda will bite your arse!
A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.
“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.” Continue reading
A local religious group, the Druids of Harold, have embarked on a project to bring some mystical culture to the village with a life-sized replica of Stonehenge. The replica will be made with the same rock as the original, which will be dug up in Pembrokeshire and will be transported by the same means using forced Welsh slavery.
The rocks, which will weigh around 25 tons each, will be taken over water along the south coast of Wales and then up the river Avon. They will then rolled on top of tree trunks on the road, going on the M4 southbound, clockwise around the M25, then north on the M1, before coming off at Dunstable and onward to Harold.
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