A tragic near-miss
British Police are to urgently interview the entire population of the UK after it emerged that an attempt had been made to murder UKIP leader Nigel Farage.
“We have identified a list of suspects who had a motive to kill Mr Farage,” announced Deputy Commissioner Bunsen of the Metropolitan Police. “This list contains the entire population of the country, excepting the gentleman himself, of course.”
“The motive most of these people seem to have for the attempted murder is that Mr Farage is a giant tosser,” explained the Deputy Commissioner.
“The exception being UKIP supporters, who see him merely as a tosser.” Continue reading
Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.
73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading
Phil Rudd, the drummer for AC/DC, has been sentenced to three years in Whitesnake.
Rudd pleaded guilty to charges of threatening to kill a former employee, but denied possessing a copy of the single “Is this Love”.
“Clearly, that must have been planted by someone”, said Rudd. “And if I find out who it was, I’ll have them ki…ssed?”
Amnesty International has condemned the punishment, and called for it to be commuted to a fortnight in Def Leppard.
“Until now, Rudd hasn’t had a criminal record”, said his lawyer Bruce Grobellaar. “Although he admits the stuff they released in the ’90s came close.”
Life in Whitesnake is known to be incredibly harsh: some who have served it end up taking their own hearing.
“It’s the thought of solitary confinement that scares me the most”, admitted Rudd. “We never had that in AC/DC. Imagine being on my own for what…7 or 8 minutes? Just banging away, with not so much as a bass line. And all the while you’re thrashing away at the solo, there’s the threat that when it ends, David Coverdale will come back out.”
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids with your video camera”
A video camera has snuck up behind a US police officer and filmed him while he was minding his own business pumping eight bullets into a fleeing black man.
The incident has caused shock among racist US officers, with some vowing they will give up shooting unarmed black men in protest.
“You just don’t feel safe anymore” said Officer X. “You turn around for just a few seconds to shoot a suspected black man only for some scumbag video camera to shoot you in the back.”
Edmonds claimed the bodies were there ‘by chance’.
Police have uncovered the bodies of ‘more than 50’ ungrateful gameshow contestants in the grounds of a castle belonging to Noel Edmonds.
Following a tip-off, officers began digging in the 120 hectare ‘garden of dreams’, and rapidly unearthed a number of makeshift coffins.
Daubed in red paint, their lids scratched with crude numbers, one theory is that the occupants shared a mutual lack of gratitude towards their one-time host.
“Officers are piecing the evidence together, but this is one of the worst game-show related massacres I’ve attended in nearly 3 months”, declared PC Flegg. “Who knows who we’ll find next? Let’s open that one…wait, I’ve changed my mind, I’ve got a good feeling about number 14.”
After his critically acclaimed first series which saw record-breaking global viewing figures, a South African judge has granted Gerrie Nel a second series.
Mr Nel, who plays his namesake Prosecutor ‘Bulldog’ Nel, shot to fame in ‘Gerrie Nel and the Pistorius trial’ in which he stunned audiences cross-examining Oscar Pistorius for four days trying to determine the exact location of a fan.
Judge Masipa, the Judge delivering her verdict in the Oscar Pistorius murder trail has stated she may take two days to sum up the case and deliver the verdict, beating the current result delivery record held by The X-Factor’s Dermot O’Leary.
O’Leary has become well-known for dragging a result out for as long as possible for effect, often carrying it over two highly lucrative advertising breaks.
Following on from the previous success of the OJ Simpson trial, and now the Oscar Pistorius murder trial, Sky have announced the next big ‘celebrity murdering partner’ court case will be pay-per-view.
“Of course it is sad that someone has to die in these cases, and if we could somehow have a murder trial without it then we would,” a Sky Box Office spokesman said.
“But that aside, there is money to be made. With added revenue from an armchair jury willing to pay £15 a week for the entertainment, we could get Ant and Dec to present it with expert analysis from law experts and previous defendants.” Continue reading
Fears were expressed for the mental health of athlete Oscar Pistorius, after he bounded into his trial kissed the guard on both cheeks and launched into an acceptance speech thanking “the producers, my parents and, of course, my wonderful girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, without who none of this would have been possible.”
Medical experts believe that Pistorius, the self-styled Blade Runner, may be suffering from a condition known as Oscar Fever which leaves victims believing they are starring in a movie and events of everyday real life are a screenplay they are acting out. It is a common affliction in places such as Hollywood. Continue reading