Dozens of ‘Deal or No Deal’ contestants found dead in Edmonds’ garden

Edmonds claimed the bodies were there ‘by chance’.

Police have uncovered the bodies of ‘more than 50’ ungrateful gameshow contestants in the grounds of a castle belonging to Noel Edmonds.

Following a tip-off, officers began digging in the 120 hectare ‘garden of dreams’, and rapidly unearthed a number of makeshift coffins.

Daubed in red paint, their lids scratched with crude numbers, one theory is that the occupants shared a mutual lack of gratitude towards their one-time host.

“Officers are piecing the evidence together, but this is one of the worst game-show related massacres I’ve attended in nearly 3 months”, declared PC Flegg. “Who knows who we’ll find next? Let’s open that one…wait, I’ve changed my mind, I’ve got a good feeling about number 14.”

“At this stage, all we can say is that none of the victims walked away with more than £5, and video evidence from Dave shows they weren’t happy about it.”

It’s an open secret in TV-land that Edmonds often leaves the studio dragging a body bag, but if challenged insists he’s not Noel but ‘the banker’.

While we were reporting, constables struggling to deal or not deal with the situation were disturbed by a small figure in a neat beard, chuckling irritatingly from the battlements.

“Everyone loves me! I wouldn’t harm the lovely contestants!”, he squealed, before holding his hand to his ear and mumbling conspiratorially to himself.

“The banker says he’ll give you 800 quid to leave now. It’s a good offer, I’d take it, while you still can.”