Tag Archives: accident

Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

img_4915-1 Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.

73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading

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Osborne’s cat’s escape bid fails, again.


Even Freya's sad face couldn't break Osborne's heart of stone

George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not been seriously injured but vets treating the tabby say after numerous failed attempts to escape from Osborne’s ownership, they may have to put her down on humanitarian grounds, namely being George Osborne’s cat.

“She was found by passers by looking broken, injured and on her last legs,” a vet treating her explained, “and then she got clipped by the car.

“It’s hard to tell why a cat would be so keen to leave its owner, but looking at Mr Osborne’s policies as chancellor gives us a fair indication.

“We can be confident that while him and his family were enjoying steak, caviar and the finest french wines,George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not bee Freya, or ‘that working class cat’ as she is affectionately, known is at the bottom of the food chain being fed scraps and stale bread with a side order of resentment at having to be fed.”

This is not the first time Freya has tried to better herself by running away from the chancellor’s Downing Streetppp residence. She has previously been found over a mile from her Westminster home before some do-gooder brought her back, kicking, screaming and scratching.

In 2011 she also became the first cat in history to call The Samaritans.

A spokesperson for Mr Osborne said: “We are grateful to everyone in stopping Freya getting ideas of mobility and freedom that are well above her station. He has said he will now introduce a wide range of policies that will ensure she knows her place going forward.”

Cats have become commonplace in Downing Street, with ‘Larry’ being drafted in to Number 10 to try and deal with a pest infestation. Although so far he has been unsuccessful at ridding the London Street of all its nasty rodents, it is hoped the electorate do a better job in 2015’s General Election.

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Road glitter lorries ‘festive but treacherous’


All that glitters is not a contribution to road safety.

Safety campaigners have slammed the council as ‘reckless’ following the introduction of a fleet of road glitters.

Harold council bought three lorries to tackle the impending festivities, and to add a bit of sparkle to the B roads around the village. But Pippa Delaney was highly critical of the new surface treatment, after careering off the road in her Land Rover Freelander on a treacherous mix of sleet, frost and shiny bits of plastic.

Equipped with powerful diesel engines and a sort of spinny metal thing on the back, each of the trucks is capable of covering around 25 miles of road in glitter a night, up to a depth of three inches.

But Delaney insists that far from adding ‘a bit of Christmas magic’ to road traffic accidents, the trucks are actually causing most of them.
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Road safety group urges commuters to ‘cycle to work inside a bus’


Cycling inside a bus ‘even safer than stabilisers’

In response to a shocking rise in accidents involving bicycles, a road safety group is urging commuters to do their cycling ‘inside a bus’.

“Cycling is undoubtedly the best way to get to work”, claimed Polly Harvey of campaign group ‘Two Wheels Good’. “There’s no other way of arriving all sweaty and self-righteous, and with your genitalia accentuated in lycra.”

Harvey insists that with a few simple modifications cyclists will not only be able to clutter up bus lanes, but also buses. “With a bit of effort, a half-decent bike can be lugged up to the top deck. Once there you can pedal up and down the aisle, making commuting safer for nearly everyone.”
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