Millions of adults across the UK woke up this morning to discover that they had spent their first night with a new roll of fat. The resulting sigh of regret was heard as far away as Berlin with many then raising a hand to their mouths in a gesture of defeat only to find a new chin ghosting under where their jawlines used to be.
“I don’t look at my new fat as the result of monumental self-indulgence,” said villager Simon Parsons. “It’s my insurance for the future. Have you seen the news lately? I didn’t overeat, I stored vital calories in my nutrition hump. When it all really kicks off they’ll come in handy.”
“I don’t know about no Isis apocalypse or zombie apocalypse or zombie-Isis apocalypse,” Jane Hough told us as she headed down the High Street to buy more food. “I think it’s best to lose the fat and it’s easy. You tell your friends that from now on you’re going to only eat steamed vegetables and do cardio for an hour every day. Think of all the calories everyone’ll burn as you all have a bloody good laugh at the very idea.”