“Thanks for calling Samaritans. Press 1 for ‘I’m a bit sad …'”

We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but  we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’

A recent Government announcement means a big shake up  for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”

Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”.

“Future tax benefits for Samaritans will depend on them modernising and I’m insisting on automatic call-answering and premium rate phone lines. ‘Press 1 for I’m a bit sad, Press 2 for I can’t go on;’ through to, ‘Press 9 for How do I make a noose?’ “Any self-absorbed idiots who ‘absolutely must speak to a real person’, will eventually get through to untrained sociopaths with English as a poor fourth language. ‘Boo-hoo, poor old me’, see how far you get with that.”

After generous responses to appeals like Sport Relief”, George Osborne will host ‘Tax Relief’, a telethon in aid of HMRC, in 2015. Osborne achieved his own exalted status by standing on other people who stood on other people. So he’s sold off ‘Help for Heroes’ to a prosthetics company run from the British Virgin Islands, to allow limbless ex-service personnel to enjoy the challenges of the free market and learn to stand on their own two feet.

The newly nationalised British Heart  Foundation’s contract for lithium ion pacemaker batteries has  been awarded to Boeing’s well-respected ‘Dreamliner’ team. “Sure, a few patients do overheat and smoke a bit when operating under stress” said Boeing “but at least they haven’t fallen out of the air. Yet.”