‘Butter up your elderly relatives in time for Christmas’, says Prince Charles


I suppose an OBE’s out of the question, then?

Following the suggestion by Princess Anne that Britons should eat horsemeat to improve the animals’ quality of life, another member of the Royal Family has come forward with his own alternative to traditional beef.

Prince Charles, who has a range of organic and inordinately expensive products from his Duchy of Cornwall range, has stepped into the row with his ‘Queen Bessie’ line.

While many have been put off the idea of eating elderly or infirm relatives by the poor quality of the meat, weeping sores and lack of good recipes, HRH thinks that it is an option which will garner more and more popularity as rising energy, food and residential care costs bite harder.

Clearly thinking of the potential for Christmas, his Royal Highness said today “Many people are fed up of turkey. The traditional arguments of white and dark meat, leg or breast, and who gets to pull the wishbone have led to many family disputes. Goose is too pretentious, which is why one has introduced a new, delicious alternative to those old birds: Queen Bessie. Three hours on a low heat, basted in her own juices, and stuffed full of Werthers Originals and truffles, Queen Bessie is a right royal feast.”

Other brands were quick to follow the trend, with Radox releasing a new range of marinades including sea salt and lavender, ginseng and garlic or the more traditional liver spot and onions, designed to ensure that even the toughest elderly relative is tender and tasty.

When asked for her reaction, the village’s oldest resident Elsie Duggan (86) the only guest of ‘Over The Hill’ Nursing Home told our reporter “Ever since Princess Anne made that bloody stupid suggestion, I’ve been expecting something like this.  The Matron here has suddenly increased the number of compulsory exercise classes, the stair lifts have vanished, and I’m being fed nothing but sage and onion.

I’m also a bit suspicious of my bedroom’s new en-suite abattoir. I’ve complained to my family, and they say they’ll have a butcher’s.”

When asked for her opinion on horse-eating being extended to humans, Princess Anne was unable to comment, being unavoidably on Gas Mark 4 for three hours, turning regularly.

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