Tag Archives: soccer

Germans constructing enormous World Cup towel

TowelBeachConcerned by infrastructure delays surrounding next Summer’s World Cup, the German Football Association has announced that it is the early stages of constructing a gigantic towel to reserve the location of the team’s training base.

The under-construction towel, which is being built by a high-tech Munich weaving company, will cover 15,000 square metres of Brazil’s beachfront and will have black, red and yellow stripes and come pre-washed to avoid unpleasant early lack of absorbancy.

Initial hand-towels have already been completed, and a German fact-finding team have been sent over to Brazil to give these a dry run in the team’s hotel.

Joachim Low’s team have been drawn to play Ghana, Portugal and the United States, and are favourites to beat all of them down to the hotel’s buffet breakfast.

Not everyone is impressed by the Germans’ advance planning. The English FA has already lodged a complaint with FIFA, saying England was “Just about to build a training camp on that site, it’s a bloody liberty!” England manager Roy Hodgson angrily insisted “It really is a bit much, our builders came down there nice and early to find an enormous towel already being built. They’d hardly had breakfast!”

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Local football team ‘shocked’ at 10 match ban for minor cannibalism incident


Ate his Liverpool with a nice Chianti

Players and management of local football club Harold Thursday have reacted with anger and astonishment at the Trojan Prophylactic League’s decision to ban star striker Luis Nutter for ten games following the recent cannibalism incident in which the entire first team from visiting club Eccles were roasted over a spit and eaten during a goalmouth scramble.

Goalkeeper Willie Sprinkler spoke to journalists of his belief that Nutter, 26, had been singled out largely due to his birthplace: “Yes, he comes from Liverpool,” he conceded, “But even so, I consider myself a friend of Luis. League bosses in Felching are treating him different because he is a ‘Scouse’, and because he had the one previous incident where he went mental apeshit crazy and hungrily devoured a coach load of orphans.”

“He knows perfectly well that what he did was wrong, but a 10-game ban seems out of proportion. I think they’ve got it in for Luis a little bit, possibly because they too are orphans. It was fifty-fifty in the Eccles penalty area, ball to hand, could have gone either way, and on the spur of the moment our lad has reacted – split second decision – and eaten eleven men’s livers with a nice Chianti. It happens out in the park every day.”

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