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Harold authorities are planning a radical overhaul of crime and anti-social behaviour prevention techniques. In light of the Prime Minister’s recently announced plans to tackle on-line perverts by asking them if they wish to access porn before they access porn, Councillor Ron Ronsson has unveiled plans to replicate the strategy in a number of other areas.

In retail, shoppers visiting the Tesco Express on the high street will be asked when entering the store if they require access to alcohol and tobacco. Councillor Ronsson assures us he is almost certain someone somewhere has done a study to show this will reduce sales of these potentially harmful products. And Julie , owner of ‘Cuts Both Ways’, will be checking with all her customers that they want access to potentially sharp instruments before they are allowed entry to her scissor emporium.

In motoring, Mick Clarkson of Clarkson’s Cars has pledged to ask all car buyers if they require a car which can go faster than the national speed limit of 70mph.

Even big farmer and local drug dealer Phil Evans is doing his part, ensuring all potential junkies consent to exposure to hard core drugs before selling them a £10 bag.

Councillor Ronsson is most proud of his controversial new measure to protect children from the damaging effects of sub standard pop songs, which can foster a long lasting unhealthy relationship with music. Households in Harold will have perverse music such as Robbie Williams and One Direction blocked by their internet provider unless they choose to receive it, and certain search terms will be blacklisted, meaning typing “Boyzone’s Greatest Hits” will return no hits on Google.

Jehovah Witnesses however have denied reports that you will have to opt in before they doorstop you with a copy of Watchtower.

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