Tag Archives: Magic

Putin ‘over the moon’ with talent show win


“I was gobsmacked when they told me I won,” said magician Vladimir Putin. “It hasn’t fully sunk in yet, I’m speechless.”

The shock result was announced just hours after voting closed.

“He won by a landslide,” said his agent, “beating both the unicyclist juggler and the fire-eating sword-swallower who made it through to the final round. They simply couldn’t match his magic.”

“As a child, I used to dream of winning Stars in Their Eyes,” said Mr Putin, “but it was not until I joined the KGB that I seriously started to play with smoke and mirrors, before moving on to develop my own unique style of magic.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Entertainment, International News, Showbusiness, Weather

Cliff finally comes out of the closet

Cliff closet

Cliff chose the popular IKEA ‘Syndrome’ wardrobe, which is made in Stockholm.

Harold’s very own magician and illusionist Cliff Platt has finally emerged from his latest David Blaine-style feat of endurance, having spent the last 79 days in a closet.

Cliff exited his self imposed incarceration to loud applause from his publicist, looking gaunt, weary, and smelling of his own faeces.

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Filed under Showbusiness

Bible Society ‘largely ignorant’ of Harry Potter stories


Some Christians ‘entirely ignorant’ of what’s in his wand.

Children and parents have warned of ‘widespread ignorance’ of Potter lore amongst the members of the Bible Society.

A small number of the organization have never heard of Dumbledore, let alone Hagrid, Hermione or Viktor Krum.

The study revealed a generation of middle-aged adults with little knowledge of the most important Harry Potter stories. A high proportion of these people were observed to wear cardigans.

“Harry Potter has a huge influence on modern society”, claimed muggle Melanie Hostage. “It’s as relevant today as it was 16 years ago. It provides us with some guidelines on how we should treat other people, if we’re too stupid to work it out for ourselves without the help of a barely believable story.”
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Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

pistolwandOne of Harold’s most beguiling mysteries has finally been solved, and sadly proven to be a most despicable and gruesome crime.

Every local knew and loved the spectacular magic show put on annually by local magician “The Great Haroldo”. Although a touring performer he would end his season every year in Harold, and has done so for over 20 years. The pinnacle of the show was always a grand illusion which would culminate in a member of the audience disappearing.

In the early years the volunteer would always re-appear, looking slightly shaken, and return to their seat. However every year since 1997 the volunteer has failed to re-materialise, and none has ever been seen again.

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Filed under Crime, DNA, Golden Showers, International News