Jobseekers will be ‘forced to build pyramids’

A cold block of stone with an empty tomb for a heart

Jobseekers face losing their benefits for three months if they refuse to take roles as pyramid-building slaves, a letter from a Conservative minister has revealed.

For the first time, benefit claimants are at risk of penalties if they do not apply for and accept zero-hours contracts moving giant blocks of stone on crude wooden rollers under the harsh Egyptian sun, according to the new universal credit system.

Last week, the Office of National Statistics revealed that the number of contracts which do not guarantee minimum hours but do guarantee you having your back ripped open by whips while slowly dying of dehydration has reached 1.4 million.

More than one in ten employers use such contracts, which are most likely to be offered to women, young people and Israelites in the land of Canaan. This figure rises to nearly 100% in the tourism, catering and giant stone monument industries.

A government spokesman insisted that workers in the UK “enjoy the flexibility that comes with no holiday pay, no sick leave and the certainty of a cold miserable starving death,” adding “And if they don’t want to work at Poundland there’s always the pyramids.”

Right-wing think-tank the Institute of Bastards maintains that our workforce must remain competitive in the face of competition from cheaper, more efficient slaves flooding in from Eastern Europe.

“If Britain is to complete the important infrastructure projects of our age,” explained one analyst, “HS2, Crossrail and a 200-foot-tall statue of Iain Duncan Smith visible from space, we must have affordable labour. Now some of these foreign slaves are paying for the privilege of working here, and you can’t get cheaper than that.”

“We had a couple of lads come over from Cairo the other day, dragging their own huge block of sandstone all the way, taking it in turns to whip each other. They’d heard about the statue of Duncan Smith and wanted to contribute towards his penis. You don’t get that sort of commitment from British workers.”