Tag Archives: global warming
Seasick Greta Thunberg’s puke ‘causing irreversible damage to our oceans’
“A bit more aviation fuel pollution isn’t going to do any harm,” said local climatologist Mike Fairchild. “Compared to the amount of puke and poos she’s going to drop in the ocean, it would be a drop in the ocean. It wouldn’t even be in the ocean.”
“Birds have evolved to keep out of the way of planes. Now we have to start thinking about the whales and sharks who are traumatised when a massive shit comes their way after a ship passes.”
“Thunberg is famous for her green credentials,” he continued, “and it shows on her face the moment she steps on board a boat. Puke and diarrhoea are best stored in a sewer behind a fat-ball, not dumped on the seabed.”
“This whole eco-trip by boat malarkey is going to backfire and she’ll be left with egg on her face and ketchup running down her smock,” he added.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, floods, Lifestyle, News, Travel
Comedy change scientists say winter ‘global warming’ jokes at historical high
Professor Al Jones, who specialises in comedy change, set up instruments throughout the UK to detect winter global warming jokes, and the results show clear evidence of a man-made comedy catastrophe.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment
Global warming blamed for Britain’s clean beaches
A shocking rise in the number of UK beaches that have become ‘clean enough to holiday on’ is being blamed on man-made global warming.
With dryer, warmer summers leading to less run-off into coastal areas, some families fear they could soon find themselves vacationing in Rhyl.
“It’s a vicious circle”, complained David Evans, occasional holidayer and amateur climatologist. “Our carbon emissions seem to be causing ever more barbecues on the beach. I don’t want to alarm you unnecessarily, but I’ve drawn a graph to show the trend. By 2020, even Blackpool could be largely turd-free.”
Global warming blamed for unseasonably early appearance of caravans
However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading
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Filed under environment, News, science
Global warming is forcing polar bears to drive buses in Scotland
Driven by the threat of the melting Arctic ice cap, beleaguered polar bears are being forced to abandon their natural habitat and adapt to new environments.
Many of the highly intelligent creatures have migrated to North America where, after a quick makeover, they are integrating into the native Brown and Grizzly Bear population. Others, as they head south, are finding themselves on the shores of Scotland where they are quickly settling into local communities.
The bears seem to have been able to slip into the country with little difficulty. “Poles, polar bears, and Romanians. They’re all the same as far as I’m concerned,” said one immigration official. “If they’re white, hairy and speak unintelligibly, they have to be allowed in.” Continue reading
Filed under environment, Nature, News
Local simpleton claims flooding ’caused by rain’
An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.
Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.
“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”
Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, environment, Pagans
As UN report proves global warming exists, Daily Mail asks ‘why does it still snow?’
With the influential report from the UN climate panel giving the strongest suggestion yet that climate change is a reality, the Daily Mail has rubbished the evidence saying it refuses to answer the key question, why does it still snow.
“We accept that this paper is one of the most peer reviewed in history” the Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre said. “And it has been written by hundreds of different scientists using experiments and data that are indisputable, but last week we had to put the central heating on. In September for God’s sake”
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