Tag Archives: UK

No Ebola in UK: Daily Mail heartbroken


“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre

It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading

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Filed under Health

UK continues to sell arms to Russia after Putin makes a ‘pinky promise’ to behave.

In an embarrassing admission by the British government, it has become clear that the UK is still selling arms to Russia, however firm assurances over their use have been received from Vladimir Putin by way if a ‘pinky promise’.

Speaking of his first meaningful action as foreign secretary, Philip Hammond explained he flew to Russia over night to get the pinky promise from Putin.
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Filed under International News, News

UK set to lose ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia


After over a decade of dominance in one area of the Eurovision song contest, the United Kingdom looks set to lose its ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia.

The accolade – which is often associated with the coverted ‘nil points’ – is traditionally awarded to the country the rest of Europe decides has the most trigger happy leader.

Following the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq the UK has been guaranteed the title every year since, but with no troops left in Iraq and withdrawal imminent from Camp Bastion Europe has begun looking elsewhere for its pantomime warmonger.
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Filed under Culture, Europe, International News, News

Global warming blamed for Britain’s clean beaches


Worryingly clean: Families fear they may soon enjoy UK holidays

A shocking rise in the number of UK beaches that have become ‘clean enough to holiday on’ is being blamed on man-made global warming.

With dryer, warmer summers leading to less run-off into coastal areas, some families fear they could soon find themselves vacationing in Rhyl.

“It’s a vicious circle”, complained David Evans, occasional holidayer and amateur climatologist. “Our carbon emissions seem to be causing ever more barbecues on the beach. I don’t want to alarm you unnecessarily, but I’ve drawn a graph to show the trend. By 2020, even Blackpool could be largely turd-free.”
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Filed under science, Weather

The ten things every Romanian coming to Britain needs to know


The Home Secretary and the Prime Minister: run from them as you would the wolf.

Bună ziua şi Bine Aţi Venit la Marea Britanie!

Hello and welcome to Britain our new Romanian friends! If certain tabloids are to be believed then fully one hundred percent of you moved in shortly after midnight.  To help smooth your transition from your old country to your new we have put together this handy list of the top ten things you need to know. Print it out, carry it with you at all times and consult it often.

Good luck and nu vă lăsaţi-i pe nenorociţi vă macină în jos. Continue reading


Filed under News

Independent Scotland “can forget about bringing its washing home at weekends”

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

Our little boy is growing up and leaving home

The UK has said today that they fully respect Scotland’s bid for independence, and admire their determination to stand on their own two feet, but that “they needn’t think they are going to be able to bring their washing home at weekends for me to do”.

Alex Salmond is hoping that Scotland will go with his bid for independence, swayed by the promise of being able to stay up as late as they want, not having to tidy their room if they don’t want to, and being able to bring girls home whenever they like. But there are doubts from the UK as to whether Scotland fully understands everything involved. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics