No Ebola in UK: Daily Mail heartbroken


“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre

It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK.

“It’s sad to witness,” a Daily Mail insider told us. “The boss shuffles around the office repeatedly asking everyone ‘Anything yet? Check the asylum seekers, check the Muslim asylum seekers. Find me one with a niqab or a huge beard with blood pouring from their eyes stood on one of Her Majesty’s pavements coughing on hard-working BRITISH taxpayers and home owners’ and of course we can’t because there aren’t any.”

“I tried to cheer him up by pitching a story that blinking causes cancer and so does watching the BBC but it barely raised a smile. We’re all really worried about him.”

Dacre was last seen getting into a taxi heading for the Hospital of Tropical Diseases muttering “I just need them to give me one then I can let Littlejohn, Philips and Plattel off the leash.”

Science fact: Ebola is treatable and curable. The Daily Mail is not.

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