The ten things every Romanian coming to Britain needs to know

The Home Secretary and the Prime Minister: run from them as you would the wolf.

Bună ziua şi Bine Aţi Venit la Marea Britanie!

Hello and welcome to Britain our new Romanian friends! If certain tabloids are to be believed then fully one hundred percent of you moved in shortly after midnight.  To help smooth your transition from your old country to your new we have put together this handy list of the top ten things you need to know. Print it out, carry it with you at all times and consult it often.

Good luck and nu vă lăsaţi-i pe nenorociţi vă macină în jos.

1 – You’re not tripping and there’s nothing wrong with your eyes, we Brits really are this fat.

2 – Quite a few of us are also orange as well. This is intentional, no really.

3 – Rudeness in shops, public places and on public transport is mandatory as is the constant use of the word ‘sorry’ especially when you have nothing to apologise for. No one knows how these opposing states of social discourse can successfully coexist but somehow they do.

4 – The names on a park bench are there as a memorial to dead people who enjoyed the view. It does not imply that they held a liquor licence.

5 – We hate waste. When we’ve finished with a plant we pot it up and leave it in the front garden, from where passers by are welcome to collect at no charge.

6 –  Radio Four schedules it six times a week and yet there isn’t a single person in the country who enjoys or is entertained by Woman’s Hour.

7 – It’s  possible that after 18th September the good people of Scotland will be delighted to welcome you as fellow citizens of a bold new country full of heather, oil and resentment.

8 – We are notoriously apathetic and won’t vote unless the vote concerns jungles or singing.

9 – Most of us have no problem with blasphemy, you can say what you like about any deity but diss Alan Bennett, Sir David Attenborough or Dame Judi Dench and you risk being swung from a gibbet.

10 – When you are obsessed with the weather, believe that a cup of tea will solve most if not all of your problems and happily buy clothes in a garden centre then you will be fully British and can join us in being eternally suspicious of the French.