Tag Archives: climate change

by | August 13, 2019 · 10:05 pm

Seasick Greta Thunberg’s puke ‘causing irreversible damage to our oceans’


Feeling a bit sjösjuk
A Harold man has criticised Greta Thunberg for sailing to a climate conference, because ocean seasickness vomit levels are already at breaking point.

“A bit more aviation fuel pollution isn’t going to do any harm,” said local climatologist Mike Fairchild. “Compared to the amount of puke and poos she’s going to drop in the ocean, it would be a drop in the ocean. It wouldn’t even be in the ocean.”

“Birds have evolved to keep out of the way of planes. Now we have to start thinking about the whales and sharks who are traumatised when a massive shit comes their way after a ship passes.”

“Thunberg is famous for her green credentials,” he continued, “and it shows on her face the moment she steps on board a boat. Puke and diarrhoea are best stored in a sewer behind a fat-ball, not dumped on the seabed.”

“This whole eco-trip by boat malarkey is going to backfire and she’ll be left with egg on her face and ketchup running down her smock,” he added.

Comments Off on Seasick Greta Thunberg’s puke ‘causing irreversible damage to our oceans’

Filed under Around Harold, environment, floods, Lifestyle, News, Travel

Tagged as , , , ,

by | June 2, 2017 · 6:36 am

Trump grabs planet by the pussy

But…but he seems so nice

The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Trump grabs planet by the pussy

Filed under News

Tagged as , , ,

by | December 13, 2015 · 9:00 am

Famer regrets shutting stable door after horse bolts

stable-door

The sight that met Lucy when she returned home

Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.

“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.”   Continue reading →

Comments Off on Famer regrets shutting stable door after horse bolts

Filed under Around Harold, Farming, News

Tagged as , , ,

by | December 2, 2015 · 9:05 am

Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

by | April 26, 2015 · 6:51 pm

Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

British Wind for British People

British Wind for British People

There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.

Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, environment, Farming, Nature, Technology, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | April 18, 2014 · 2:30 pm

‘Star Wars is responsible for climate change’ claims academic

Yoda_SWSB

Honestly, who seems more real to you? This chap or Kim Kardashian?

Harold academic Professor Monica Simon has launched a stinging attack on Star Wars by saying it is to blame for climate change. Her new book Laugh It Up, Fuzzball: How George Lucas Happily Destroyed Earth claims that the film director has succeeded in brain-washing everyone into “buggering up the planet because they think they can just go to another one.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Star Wars is responsible for climate change’ claims academic

Filed under environment

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 16, 2014 · 7:01 am

Global warming blamed for unseasonably early appearance of caravans

Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?

Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?

Despite intensive storms, coastal erosion and record flooding, the average British citizen had been ambivalent to the threat of climate change until last weekend.

However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Global warming blamed for unseasonably early appearance of caravans

Filed under environment, News, science

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | January 3, 2014 · 7:00 am

Climate scientists ‘accurately modelled’ own entrapment in ice

iceship

High temperatures can also cause freakishly large penguins.

Climate scientists rescued from a trapped research ship in Antarctica have claimed that their computer models ‘accurately predicted’ that they would get stuck in the first place.

The diesel-powered research ship MV Akademik Shokalskiy had set out on an 8,000 mile journey to highlight how normal people ought to cut down on unnecessary journeys.

But after grinding to a halt in unusually thick pack-ice, climatologist Dr Alan Pecher claimed that it ‘just proved how much hotter the South Pole has become’.
Continue reading →

4 Comments

Filed under Nature, News, science

Tagged as , , , ,

by | September 28, 2013 · 9:00 am

Fraud suspected as new wind turbine found to be ‘full of AA batteries’

battery wind farm

Supplier insists wind turbine is ‘for novelty use only’

Harold’s green credentials were called into doubt last night, as the controversial village wind turbine finally ran out of puff.

Despite the vast cost of the equipment and 3 years of legal wrangling with local pressure groups, the windmill was only operable for 40 minutes before an engineer had to be called.

Norwegian wind experts Flattus were quickly on the scene and proceeded to remove panels from the lower sections of the tower. But a quick-eyed junior cameraman from the Evening Harold snapped the guts of the equipment, revealing an estimated 40,000 AA batteries being used to power the fan.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Fraud suspected as new wind turbine found to be ‘full of AA batteries’

Filed under Around Harold, Business, Economy, Technology

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | September 27, 2013 · 1:00 pm

As UN report proves global warming exists, Daily Mail asks ‘why does it still snow?’

20130927-124008.jpg

With the influential report from the UN climate panel giving the strongest suggestion yet that climate change is a reality, the Daily Mail has rubbished the evidence saying it refuses to answer the key question, why does it still snow.

“We accept that this paper is one of the most peer reviewed in history” the Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre said. “And it has been written by hundreds of different scientists using experiments and data that are indisputable, but last week we had to put the central heating on. In September for God’s sake”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on As UN report proves global warming exists, Daily Mail asks ‘why does it still snow?’

Filed under Nature, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,