Tag Archives: useless

by | February 24, 2015 · 7:00 am

New MP ‘second job’ scandal: Miliband moonlights as lollipop man

lollipop dolt

Miliband also works evenings as a coat rack.

Ed Miliband has admitted to subsidising his income, while crossing the road outside his house for a modest salary.

Despite living miles from a school, Mr Miliband proudly dons his hi-viz uniform each morning, grabs his lollipop and goes out to play in the traffic.

“It’s not reasonable to expect me to survive on the minimum wage”, claimed Miliband as he lunged at a truck. “Which is why normal, everyday people, people such as myself, have to take on a second job as leader of the opposition.”
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by | January 27, 2015 · 2:30 pm

Lib/Lab leaders look forward to the next 100 days left in office.

job centre

I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!

With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading →

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by | December 23, 2014 · 7:00 am

Labour woo Scottish voters with renamed ‘Ed McBalls’

ed mcballs

The spirit was right, if not the geography.

Ed Miliband unveiled a more Caledonian tint to his shadow cabinet today, in an attempt to win back Scottish voters.

Ed McBalls, showing signs of recent gingering and speckled with crumbs of shortbread and scotch egg, has been ordered to ‘get up to Edinburgh’ and ‘go on about haggis or something’.

“I had the idea when the previous Balls gave me a christmas card with a tenner inside”, revealed Miliband. “That’s just enough to register a change of name at the deedpoll office.”

Ed McBalls was chosen for scottishisation because he has a lot in common with Alex Salmond. “His head is pale, round and damp-looking, and he doesn’t like eating vegetables”, revealed Miliband.”He seems angry all the time and he smiles when it’s most likely to cause annoyance.”

“And to cap it all, they’re both incredibly bad at maths.”
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by | September 28, 2013 · 9:00 am

Fraud suspected as new wind turbine found to be ‘full of AA batteries’

battery wind farm

Supplier insists wind turbine is ‘for novelty use only’

Harold’s green credentials were called into doubt last night, as the controversial village wind turbine finally ran out of puff.

Despite the vast cost of the equipment and 3 years of legal wrangling with local pressure groups, the windmill was only operable for 40 minutes before an engineer had to be called.

Norwegian wind experts Flattus were quickly on the scene and proceeded to remove panels from the lower sections of the tower. But a quick-eyed junior cameraman from the Evening Harold snapped the guts of the equipment, revealing an estimated 40,000 AA batteries being used to power the fan.
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