Ed Miliband has admitted to subsidising his income, while crossing the road outside his house for a modest salary.
Despite living miles from a school, Mr Miliband proudly dons his hi-viz uniform each morning, grabs his lollipop and goes out to play in the traffic.
“It’s not reasonable to expect me to survive on the minimum wage”, claimed Miliband as he lunged at a truck. “Which is why normal, everyday people, people such as myself, have to take on a second job as leader of the opposition.”
The MP has had his competence questioned in the past, so as a precaution he now avoids crossing with actual children.
“I got a bit confused on my first day, I couldn’t remember if I was a lollipop man or a school bus, so I did my best to try and please everyone.”
“I stepped into the middle of the road, instinctively turned left, and towed the line for the next 13 or so miles.”
It wasn’t a complete disaster: fewer than 8 children were badly injured, and the lollipop is still largely repairable.
“It just goes to show, no-one can hold down two jobs at once”, admitted Miliband. “I’ve not decided which one I’m better at yet, I’ll probably reach a decision some time early in May.”