Tottenham ‘were bad in a past life’ explains Glenn Hoddle

Consulting new spirit guide ‘Chree-Shwa-Dell’ (check this)

Former Tottenham playmaker and mystic Glenn Hoddle has controversially claimed that the reason for the side’s current lack of footballing health can be explained by the bad form of the club in its previous incarnations.

In remarks certain to infuriate many, the ex-Spur insisted to journalists today that the principles of “soccarma” meant that the previous decades of poor performance have had the effect of condemning the current generation of players to the limbo of mid-table obscurity.

Many neutral observers are of the opinion that it is more likely the years of under-funding and selling off star players which has brought about the current team’s plight, but Hoddle is convinced that there is a more simple supernatural explanation, which conveniently coincides with his bid to return to soccer management after a lengthy ‘rest’.

“For yea,” he intoned ritually at the press conference on the intersection of two ley lines near a Hackney Marshes training facility, “Is it not written in ‘Spurred to Success: Autobiography of Glenn Hoddle’ – currently available from Amazon for a bargain £0.01 – ‘And though the days shall be dark after the 5-0 home thrashing by the Scouse demons, yet shall there come the one true light who shall lead them through the valley of negative goal difference to the shining garden of occasional cup success, and His name shall be Glenn.'”

To sceptics who pointed out that it could be argued that he was hounded out of football for being a nutter, Hoddle insisted that he has now softened his more extreme views. He has reportedly dropped his colourful advisor Eileen Dury – famous for her 1978  single  “Hit me with your rhythm stick” – and remaining spiritual, has now embraced ‘homeopathic football’, where the team has only the faintest possible hint of possession before giving the ball to the opposition. It was not immediately clear how this differs from what Spurs have been doing for the last few months.

Some commentators remain staunchly convinced that all talk of the mystical nature of football is nonsense. “Supernatural, my arse” claimed a typically robust Alan Hansen. “All this stuff about forces beyond the grave is a load of cobblers. Spurs just need a new ghoulie.”