The ‘swede’ smell of success.
An amateur perfumier is facing a ruinous legal fight, after ignoring a ‘cease and desist’ order from Donna Karan.
Farmer Phil Evans from Harold turned his hand to producing cosmetics, because ‘it seemed less bother than rummaging about in cows’.
DNKY ‘Be Gert Lush’ is literally a ground-breaking new scent: it’s made from a combination of root vegetables and a strange liquid he found beneath the chicken shed. “On top of that there’s some animal glands that are a bit too rank for sausages”, he smiled. “That’s just what they do with the posh stuff, that is. Only they normally calls it ‘musk’.”
Evans’ choice of scent is unconventional but stunning: many of his competitors have wept for hours after a quick sample of what they’re up against. “I ain’t that big on apples”, said Evans, “I find they give me wind. But a bit of festered turnip and an anal sac on the other hand…well, who wouldn’t get a semi?”
Uniquely to the segment, ‘Be Gert Lush’ is capable of removing tough stains such as creosote as well as offering an effective treatment for veruccas. ‘Be Gert Lush’ has a distinctive smell that ‘lingers long after the relationship has withered’, according to the big pharma.
Evans accused Donna Karan of ‘bullying’ and ‘opportunism’, and even suggested that she had copied him.
“I’ve never had a sniff of her so I can’t tell you what she smells like”, insisted Evans. “Whereas she more than likely got a whiff of my jobby from a Jumbo as she was flying into London.”
The farmer claims to have invested ‘a small fortune’ in the product as well as liability insurance, and the development of a bottle capable of containing the product without bursting into flames.
Evans insists he didn’t cut any corners, and that the product is both ethical and safe. “Animal testing? Of course I did, I ain’t taking any chances”, he said.
“I done that bit myself, I sprayed it on a plain pig I don’t really care for. The results were amazing: almost immediately, I felt the urge to give her one.”
If he loses the legal battle, Evans revealed that he has a second scent to fall back on. “It hit me when I was cleaning out the pipes to an old cess tank, an odour so earthy you can almost see it”, he said. “I hope to put all this legal rubbish behind me when I launch Channels Number Twos.”
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