It’s not about singing
Simon Cowell has announced that he will drastically overhaul the format of the X Factor for 2014 to ensure that a talented, but unattractive older woman does not accidentally win the show again.
Sam Bailey, 36, was crowned the winner of the show’s tenth series on Sunday after some incredible vocal performances, but Cowell is concerned that she is not photogenic enough to sell posters and magazines to teenage girls.
“Sam was terrific and she has got a really great voice, but people still seem to be under the impression that this is a singing competition.” said Cowell, “Ratings are falling, judges are leaving and I need to generate interest in the show again. Just being a great singer is no use to me, I need somebody young who looks pretty or has floppy hair or, ideally, somebody who both looks pretty and has floppy hair.”
The new format will see only minor changes to the auditions stage, where a series of mentally ill people, whose families should be persuading them not to be humiliated on national television, will be wheeled out for a live audience to point and laugh at. But from boot camp onwards it all changes.
“We are taking the singing aspect out of the show completely to ensure we don’t have a repeat of this year.” explained Cowell, “Boot camp will essentially now be a contest of who looks prettiest, has the best sob story and does the most convincing job of crying. They will then go through to judge’s houses where they will sit on rocks on a beach, look moody and then cry some more. Again there will be no singing.”
Once through to the live shows contestants will have to convince the public that they have had a really tough week and that winning the show “means everything to them”, then cry again. The judges will be on hand to help those with the less convincing sob stories and are willing to go as far as murdering their parents if they make it to the final.
There will also be a radical overhaul of the judging panel, where Nicole Scherzinger is set to be replaced by a crack-addicted tramp, who will almost certainly make more sense than her.
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