Tag Archives: benefit claimants

IDS: “will squeeze benefits spongers”


‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS

Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”. 

Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading

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Benefit claimants to be fracked for wasted energy


Laid-back protesters campaigning for energy conservation.

Harold’s Dr Evans has been selected to help trial a new combined health and domestic fuel supply initiative for people suffering from conditions such as obesity and laziness, based on the same technology used in fracking for shale gas.

“Government scientists think there could a lot of re-useable trapped energy in the bodies of people who don’t get enough exercise,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, “especially the ones who are out of work and claiming benefits.  Fracking fat, lazy people for the wasted energy they have selfishly trapped inside themselves is one way of helping them to give something back to society.”

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