Gove says Tories won’t get into bed with Farage, but will consider kinky threesome in Commons toilet

Senior Tory and Chief Whip Michael Gove ruled out getting into bed with UKIP’s Nigel Farage after the election, but said a three-way bondage romp with himself, Farage, and Theresa May in the Commons toilet was still on the table. Nick Clegg might also be allowed to watch.

“Our MPs are renowned for cavorting with call girls, each other’s spouses, bondage mistresses, barely legal school children, and sundry animals in all sorts of locations. Our image would be ruined if we merely got into a plain old bed with Mr Farage. The Conservative Party has very high double standards to maintain” said Mr Gove.

Gove said the upcoming election was sure to be close, and when he told Theresa May a hung Parliament was likely she got very excited.

“She just about fainted when I mentioned Farage’s expanded support” said the Chief Whip. “She is behaving like an excited schoolgirl, and practising dressing like one too, waiting for the post-election toilet cubicle romp. I haven’t the heart to tell her Mr Farage is dead against French kissing.”

For his part Nigel Farage said he was ambivalent whether the Tories got into the bed or toilet cubicle with him.

“I’m happy just playing with myself, and post- election I’ll continue playing with myself while looking at photos of busty Polish, Romanian, and Thai beauties.”

“You can call me what you like but I’m not a racist” insisted Farage.