Surprise as badgers win Person of the Year award


“Defra can kiss my stripy arse.”

There was surprise today as the Person of the Year was revealed to be not a person but an entire species as the UK’s 288,000 strong badger population scooped the prestigious prize.

“It’s been a great year for badgers,” said Lynne Parsons, head of the judging panel. “They not only ran an effective and highly organised campaign against the badger cull which resulted in it being called off  but they also ensured that Brian May was on TV a lot which was a treat for both fans of classic rock and massive hair alike.”

The award was accepted by Badger of the Wild Wood. No stranger to award ceremonies the effortlessly dapper Badger was recently seen at the GQ awards collecting the lifetime achievement award for his species’ services to shaving brushes.

In his speech he thanked the judges and then made several comments about weasels which got a big laugh in the room but were later widely condemned across social media and for which Badger has since apologised via Twitter.

Secretary of State for the Environment Owen Paterson has said that he is “disappointed” that badgers have been declared Person of the Year and insists that he is right to want them eradicated. “The public is simply wrong on this issue as are all scientists and experts,” said Paterson who is apparently qualified to make judgements on environmental matters due to having a degree in history and a diploma from the National Leathersellers College.

“Badgers are scum: they all smoke, have huge televisions, too many children and sit around all day living off benefits.” He later realised his mistake and amended his comments saying that those criteria didn’t apply to badgers and that he was, of course, referring to hedgehogs.

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