World on brink of new Cold War as Dota 2 scraps sign-ups


The good old days, said no one ever.

Vladimir Putin is today threatening to bring “death to the West” over the PC game Dota 2. Earlier this week all player restrictions were removed by online game provider Steam forcing Western gamers to play alongside Russians: a move which has proved as successful as a Gauls and Romans harmony and togetherness workshop.

Dota 2 is a strategy/action game where players who are often total strangers are thrown together to form teams, attack another team and defend their buildings in a pleasing looking fantasy land. Less pleasing is that players talk to each other over mics while doing this.

“All Russian players are hearing is ‘Putin’ and ‘vodka’ and ‘gay’.” President Putin said. “No Russian is gay, we have laws about that sort of thing! The West must apologise for these insults or we will be forced to take action. Besides which it is the American Dota 2 players who are gay and also, and I will be putting this to the UN Security Council, noobs with highly promiscuous and undiscerning mothers.”

As Dota 2 players continue to scream and the Steam discussions boards fill up with inflammatory language and a level of racism not seen since Love Thy Neighbour the world seems to be once again hovering on the brink of devastating conflict.

Surprisingly Iran stepped forward to mediate between the US and Russian over the issue of Dota 2 servers. However hopes for a sensible solution were dashed when it turned out that President Hassan Rouhani’s only suggestion was for American and Russian gamers to unite and trash talk anyone playing Dota2 in Israel.

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