Boris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.
“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
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This much clue
Health Secretary Jeremy “Rash” Hunt, who told parents to have a look on Google to check their children’s meningitis symptoms, has helpfully pointed out that the search engine will also provide links to a wide range of undertakers once his initial advice has been followed.
Admitting that paying for fewer doctors had unexpectedly resulted in fewer doctors to do the diagnosy stuff, Hunt drew on his years of medical experience to say: “look at photographs and say ‘my child’s rash looks like this one’.”
It was pointed out that the same parents would soon be likely to be looking at photographs of dead meningitis victims and saying: “My child’s corpse also looks like this one”, but Hunt was undeterred.
The official NHS Choices website inconveniently states that with skin rashes in children “You should always see a GP for a proper diagnosis”, but this cuts little ice with the great Hunt.
“Should the inevitable unfortunately occur,” he explained, “parents are likely to still have their browser open on Google, so checking for a local undertaker who stocks smaller size coffins should take but a moment.”
A spokesperson for the National Association of Funeral Directors said they were “very grateful, if a little freaked out” by Hunt’s statements.
No hands on the wheel!
After months of testing, tax-avoiding giant Google has launched the first fully-driverless government, in which all the difficult decisions are taken out of the hands of error-prone politicians.
For the first time, actions usually associated with running a country will instead be remotely controlled by Google, meaning a huge reduction in errors such as trying to claim unpaid corporation tax.
“Even the best politician is liable to make mistakes,” explained a Google spokesperson. “And in the worst cases, these errors can result in significant damage to our profits.”
“Now with the driverless government, all the decision making can be left to us, safe in the knowledge that we know what’s best. For us.”
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The second symbol is wildly optimistic.
Members of ISIS have been freely communicating with each other, using an obsolete network known as ‘Google+’.
The terrorists resorted to the awkward means of communication, to avoid detection by US authorities.
“It was completely under our radar”, said the CIA’s Chuck Brady. “The fact it isn’t encrypted in the slightest really threw us a curveball.”
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Scenes during the FB outage would have made a great selfie
A Facebook outage that lasted for forty minutes on Monday night left civilisation on the verge of a complete breakdown.
Shops were looted in the search for photos of old school friends’ dogs, and angry mobs roamed the streets as the social networking site’s estimated 1.5 billion worldwide users were left with no way of communicating to everybody they have ever met all at once. Apart from Twitter. Or Instagram. Continue reading
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Going off the grid. You ain’t seen it, right?
England’s badgers have applied to have their details wiped from Google to escape government death squads.
“We’re exercising our right to be forgotten,” said Manky Kevin of the Harold Wood badger colony. “The Coalition are determined to wipe us out but we’re hoping if we can’t be found online they’ll lose interest and go after hedgehogs instead.” Continue reading
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The irony of collecting tax in a Starbucks cup was lost on this tax collector
Corporation tax has long been a contentious issue politically, with HMRC doing their best to get multi-national companies to pay the correct levels of tax owed. These tactics have ranged from taking company directors out to dinner to the more drastic action of asking them really nicely.
Now HMRC have announced they are to try a new approach to collecting the millions of pounds owed to the public purse; begging.
Moments later, Hodge wrestled a CEO to the floor and ate their face.
Margaret Hodge has been accused of discouraging investment in the UK by the sort of greedy, psycopathic companies that would otherwise be drawn to our unique taxation loop holes.
An anonymous source has claimed that Hodge’s obsession with legality and fairness is completely at odds with the ambitions of many of the globe’s most successful rampaging monsters.
“There’s an unspoken rule about how we deal with ruthless monopolies looking to relocate here”, said a spokesman from the treasury. “If they don’t say out loud how much they’re making, then we don’t have to tax them. Hodge is being very unfair when she points out that this is catastrophically unjust. She risks them moving abroad, and not paying any tax there either.”
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Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.
David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.
“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading
‘Searching’ for the truth.
Just doing a bit of research into the hearing of the common select committee on tax avoidance, and got this.
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May 18, 2013 · 10:00 am
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