Tag Archives: Eton

by | April 23, 2014 · 11:00 am

‘Want to get on? Then get a head start.’ Cameron tells youngsters

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Not handed to me on just any old plate. It was solid silver, half an inch thick and this big

Poor qualifications may mean British youngsters losing out on jobs, fears the Prime Minister. 

“My own father was good at Maths and English” he said yesterday “He could add up money and read tax law, which meant I had the qualifications to get into Eton College, after which it was onwards and upwards. If I have one question for aspirational young people, looking for opportunities today, it is this – do your parents have pots of money?” Continue reading →

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by | March 3, 2014 · 2:02 pm

Boris’ plan to remove radicalised children backfires as Eton’s raided

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Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.

The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.

“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
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by | February 10, 2014 · 7:05 am

Eton College threatened by floods: Environment Agency’s resources suddenly limitless

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A playing field at Eton: more important than you, your families or your homes could ever be to this government

As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading →

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by | November 12, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Surprise on the High Street as Eton College starts chugging

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Chuggers: their vision is based on movement. Stay very still and they won’t spot you.

There was surprise on Harold’s High Street this morning when chuggers arrived not to raise money for charities that help those most in need but for Eton College the public school which currently charges £30,000 a year in fees plus many thousands in extras.

“I was confused about why they needed more money,” said shopper Geraldine Forster, “but then a terribly happy young man with a clipboard told me that independent schools are charities just like Children in Need and in many ways their pupils are children in need. They need golf courses, beagle packs, school trips to Pago Pago that sort of thing.” Continue reading →

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by | May 22, 2013 · 7:00 am

Government bans maths

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg's purpose.

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.

David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.

“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading →

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by | May 15, 2013 · 7:00 am

Gove announces all 13-18 year olds to attend Eton

Imagine a whole generation just like these two.

Imagine a whole generation just like these two.

At a press conference yesterday Michael Gove shared with reporters what he called ‘the pinnacle’ of his education reforms by announcing that from September all four-and-a-half million school pupils in Great Britain and Northern Ireland aged between thirteen and eighteen will attend Eton College.

“This government is totally committed to improving social mobility and giving all young people the chance to succeed and achieve their full potential on their own terms. Unfortunately that’s actually really, really difficult so we thought it would be easier to make everybody the same and an Eton education is the key to absolute conformity.” Continue reading →

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