Tag Archives: Amazon

Evil blackmailers force Amazon boss to watch ‘The Grand Tour’

Amazon boss and world’s richest man Jeff Bezos has revealed how blackmailers threatened to ruin his life unless he watched several episodes of TV show ‘The Grand Tour’.

In a shocking blog post, Bezos tells how blackmailers acquired his naked photos, and warned him they would release the pictures to the world unless he watched the entire third season of ‘The Grand Tour’, an obscure show starring a right bunch of old wankers.

“It’s been a hard decision to make,” explained an emotional Bezos, “the desperate lifelong shame that I would feel, or having people see me nude.”

“In the end I just couldn’t let myself do it. No-one should have to sit through a show with that bunch of old wankers. Who even makes this shite?”

A spokesman for the Los Angeles Police Dept explained that no-one is safe from such terrible crimes.

“It still shocks us, to be honest,” he said to journalists this morning. “That anyone could threaten a member of the public with an ordeal as terrible as having to watch those old wankers prat about.”

“It sickens me that anyone could be so revolting. And I’ve only seen the first episode.”

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Amazon sues people who left positive reviews of Adam Sandler movies


Was this typed with a straight face?

Amazon has confirmed that unscrupulous shoppers who leave 5-star reviews of films, despite them containing Adam Sandler, will be sued.

Although Sandler has near-universal unappeal, some malicious trolls have gushed all over his leavings on the popular online shop.

Amazon fears this could cause unwary customers to order them, which might damage their trust in the tax-efficient company.
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‘We’re boycotting Amazon’ is the new ‘We don’t have a TV’


Just because someone’s right it doesn’t mean they’re not also terribly annoying

Boycotting Amazon has officially become the new bullseye on the middle class morality dartboard finally ousting claiming not to have a TV.

“It’s taken years,” media and trend analyst Lizzie Philips told us. “But at long last not shopping with Amazon has become the single greatest source of conversational smugness.” Continue reading

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HMRC try new technique for collecting corporation tax; begging.


The irony of collecting tax in a Starbucks cup was lost on this tax collector

Corporation tax has long been a contentious issue politically, with HMRC doing their best to get multi-national companies to pay the correct levels of tax owed. These tactics have ranged from taking company directors out to dinner to the more drastic action of asking them really nicely.

Now HMRC have announced they are to try a new approach to collecting the millions of pounds owed to the public purse; begging.

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Margaret Hodge urged to ‘go easy’ on immoral, corporate monsters


Moments later, Hodge wrestled a CEO to the floor and ate their face.

Margaret Hodge has been accused of discouraging investment in the UK by the sort of greedy, psycopathic companies that would otherwise be drawn to our unique taxation loop holes.

An anonymous source has claimed that Hodge’s obsession with legality and fairness is completely at odds with the ambitions of many of the globe’s most successful rampaging monsters.

“There’s an unspoken rule about how we deal with ruthless monopolies looking to relocate here”, said a spokesman from the treasury. “If they don’t say out loud how much they’re making, then we don’t have to tax them. Hodge is being very unfair when she points out that this is catastrophically unjust. She risks them moving abroad, and not paying any tax there either.”
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Local accountancy firm gearing up for their January Sale


For a wad of grubby lucre, he won’t keep going on about profit margins, depreciation and capital allowances.

It’s the time of year when many self-employed people start to panic about the January Tax Return deadline.

“They catch me out every year, sneaking their brown oblong envelope in among the Christmas cards,” said Pippa Delaney, owner of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! in Harold.  “How jolly nice of HMRC to send me a seasonal payslip.”

But help is now at hand with a local accountancy firm getting ready for their January Sale.  “We’ve got loads of special offers lined up,” said Geoffrey King, of King’s Counting House, “and some real bargains in our Down A Bit On Last Year range of simplified Tax Returns and, for the client whose dog chewed up his business records, our unique Sounds About Right range of off-the-peg accounts.”
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Tesco “giant catapult” delivery system will rival Amazon drones

tesco flinger

Device can also be used to destroy local businesses.

Tesco have responded to Amazon’s announcement that they are looking to use unmanned drones to make deliveries by revealing their own new delivery system, a series of giant catapults.

“Amazon’s plans to use unmanned drones need so much to fall their way that this is clearly just a publicity stunt.” said Philip Clarke, CEO of Tesco plc, “They are targeting 2018 for their ‘drone deliveries’ but for that to happen not only do they need significant changes in legislation, they also need huge progress in the technology involved. The technology behind our giant catapult system has been around for centuries, and as far as I know there are no laws against launching groceries through the air.” Continue reading

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Cyber Monday: idiots saddened by lack of queues


Progress: 70 years ago we queued for rations, now we queue for shiny things and no one has to pretend that they find Tommy Trinder amusing.

Today is Cyber Monday the busiest day of the year for online sales during which Britons will spend over one billion pounds on PlayStation 4s, Breaking Bad box sets and inflatable toast (seriously, that is a thing). While most of us relish shopping naked and not getting arrested or uploaded to YouTube, and Amazon’s agency drones will be forced to walk the equivalent of to the moon and back before being allowed their first break, idiots are lamenting the lack of queuing. Continue reading

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Government bans maths

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg's purpose.

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.

David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.

“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading

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