Tesco “giant catapult” delivery system will rival Amazon drones

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Device can also be used to destroy local businesses.

Tesco have responded to Amazon’s announcement that they are looking to use unmanned drones to make deliveries by revealing their own new delivery system, a series of giant catapults.

“Amazon’s plans to use unmanned drones need so much to fall their way that this is clearly just a publicity stunt.” said Philip Clarke, CEO of Tesco plc, “They are targeting 2018 for their ‘drone deliveries’ but for that to happen not only do they need significant changes in legislation, they also need huge progress in the technology involved. The technology behind our giant catapult system has been around for centuries, and as far as I know there are no laws against launching groceries through the air.”

The ambitious plan from Tesco will see several giant catapults built at all of their distribution centres, starting with a trial at the Daventry depot from mid-2014 making grocery deliveries by air.

“Jeff Bezos has grand plans for Amazon’s drone deliveries but they are completely unrealistic and essentially pie in the sky. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what you will see from us as we send your groceries hurtling towards your house with reasonable accuracy.”

Mr Clarke claims that the trial will be up and running by June and will see all of the midlands serviced from one centre, capable of hurling your online shopping in the general direction of your house within thirty minutes of your order being placed. Clarke mentioned that his store could not be held accountable for any damages that might occur during transit, pointing out that it would leave the premises ‘in perfect condition’.

If this grocery trial is successful then the system will be rolled out to the Tesco Direct arm of the business, with everything up to and including furniture available to be thrown several miles towards your home.

“The intricacies of delivering shopping by catapult are not to be underestimated, so we have invested heavily in these plans, which will be led by a recognised expert in the field.” continued Clarke, “I am pleased to announce that Mr Wile E. Coyote joined our business this week and will personally head up the project to ensure its success.”

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