Should this wide-eyed fanatic be tolerated?
Eric Pickles has made a personal written plea to individual members of the Hopkins family asking them to stand with the rest of the UK in defeating hatred while one member of their clan continues to run amok.
“We know that acts of headline grabbing and offence are not representative of the Hopkins family,” he wrote. “But we need to show what is.” Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Religion
Excited crowds gather as the first concrete egg coin nears completion
A new £1 coin, designed to be the “most secure in the world”, is set to be introduced in 2017.
To combat concerns about the current pound coin’s vulnerability to counterfeiting, The Royal Mint has decided on a controversial new design – the coin will now be a fifty-metre wide concrete egg, which experts say will be almost impossible to copy, even if you wanted to.
The new coin will be made in grey and will incorporate state-of-the-art authentication technology and roughly £800 worth of concrete, at a stroke making counterfeiting non-viable.
In a nod to tradition, the coin’s unusual shape is said to be based on Queen Victoria’s threepenny bits, which were famously large enough to need a pair of courtiers to carry them around.
Such radical changes to symbolic items always cause complaints, and concerns have been raised by consumer groups about the ridiculously massive size of the coins. A government source countered this, saying: “We realise this will cause some inconvenience to shoppers, but expect the public to broadly support the move. The fitness benefits alone will be enormous.”
“This could also solve the housing crisis as you could use the coin egg as a sturdy thing around which to construct a rudimentary shelter.”
However, well-meaning liberals should realise that the housing problem is no simple matter, after eight Big Issue sellers were crushed to death during trials of the new coin in Romford.
A competition will be held to decide the image on one side of the coin, with Eric Pickles already the front-runner, providing they can fit him in.
A playing field at Eton: more important than you, your families or your homes could ever be to this government
As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading
Filed under environment, Weather
A whale-sized creature found washed up on a beach near Edinburgh is probably a sperm whale, and not Eric Pickles as first thought.
An animal welfare charity was called to the beach early this morning by a member of the public concerned the communities minister was piloting a new parking scheme.
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Filed under environment, Nature, News
Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.
The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.
Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading
The Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government
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