Beavers fail to make money for government: sentenced to life imprisonment


Beaver or waterfox?

DEFRA has announced that it is to capture and place in captivity a colony of beavers currently living wild in Devon.

“They said it’s cos we could be carrying a disease and that landscape and habitats have changed in the 1000 years we’ve been gone out of Devon so we could bugger the environment up,” Alex the Tooth, leader of the Devon beavers told us. “Yeah, that’s true cos us beavers are well known for intensive farming and fracking. Somebody stop us before we drain all the marshes and fail to dredge any riverbeds.”

“The Coalition want to destroy everything they can’t make a profit on but somehow we’re the diseased ones,” he said. “Now I know what the badgers are so hacked off about.”

Alex the Tooth blames his colony’s woes on hunting.

“Last time we were around we were hunted to extinction,” he said. “No one wants to do that anymore so no one in power gives a toss about us. But maybe hunting will be our salvation. If we all dress up as foxes then half the Cabinet and all the Royal Family will want to put on a red jacket and chase us. The ‘waterfox’ will be ruled an essential part of nature before you can say ‘oh look the Duke of Edinburgh’s given little Prince George a cuddly waterfox toy and a tiny gun’.”

If the waterfox plan fails Alex the Tooth told us that he and the rest of his colony had an even more extreme one in reserve.

“We’re British and have been for thousands of years. If we don’t get some fair treatment soon then we shall all start voting Ukip.”

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