Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.
“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”
“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading
Cat or bagpipe? Experts can tell just by blowing into it.
Council health officials have confirmed that a suspected cat with TB was actually just a feral set of bagpipes.
Residents had complained about a wretched animal with rasping, asthmatic breath which had left many unable to sleep. “It went right through you, I felt so sorry for the little fella”, said local Pippa Delaney. “But at the same time, I sort of wanted to kill it.”
It has emerged that badgers are not the only creatures being killed in the Gloucestershire cull aimed at restricting the spread of bovine TB. Statistics released last night revealed that the death toll to date includes 798 badgers, 15 giant pandas, 7 nuns, a Goth, and an abandoned piano.
Although wildlife experts were horrified at the loss of the panda colony, a Defra spokesman tried to put a positive spin. ‘This is good news,’ he said, “because we had no idea there was a flourishing panda community in the West Country. Of course, it’s probably not flourishing now, but it’s nice to know that it had been there.” Continue reading
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