It has emerged that badgers are not the only creatures being killed in the Gloucestershire cull aimed at restricting the spread of bovine TB. Statistics released last night revealed that the death toll to date includes 798 badgers, 15 giant pandas, 7 nuns, a Goth, and an abandoned piano.
Although wildlife experts were horrified at the loss of the panda colony, a Defra spokesman tried to put a positive spin. ‘This is good news,’ he said, “because we had no idea there was a flourishing panda community in the West Country. Of course, it’s probably not flourishing now, but it’s nice to know that it had been there.” Continue reading
Filed under Badgers, News
Morrison: Been Down So Long
Goths in Harold have finally met one of their idols this week, after the decayed remains of Jim Morrison paid them a visit.
Doors frontman Jim Morrison, originally buried in the Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris in 1971, has until now spent very little time in the UK. But local legend tells how he once visited Harold’s famed twin bun shops, while he should have been performing at the Isle of Wight festival.
“When The Doors took to the stage in 1970, the set was entirely shrouded in darkness”, explained local Goth Josh Fenning. “Historians will tell you that it was because he didn’t want to be blinded by spotlights, but in truth it was because he was 120 miles away, enthusiastically tonguing a vanilla slice.”
It’s quite sad, really
Village Goth Josh Fenning has welcomed plans by the police to start recording the many, many crimes committed against him.
Fenning claims to be the victim of a sustained campaign by ‘shadowy elements’ in Harold, including ‘the mood in the pub’, his broadband provider and ‘whoever keeps leaving him milk’.
“Barely a day goes by when Fenning doesn’t come and report some perceived crime against him”, said PC Anita Flegg. “I suppose officially, I ought to start writing them down.”